(This was the response I recieved from that old fat Elf. You would think he had better things to do than wasting his time writing such a long letter. But that's OK. I called my lawyer...)

To: Mr. Eric J. Kiser
San Diego, CA

From: Santa Claus
North Pole Toy Manufacturing, LTD.
1 Cold Place
Suite #1
North American Continent Polar Region 10095

RE: Response to your letter

Mr. Kiser,

Ho, Ho, Ho! This letter is to inform you that we are in receipt of your correspondence dated 12/17/2016. After a comprehensive review, my staff and I felt it necessary to respond formally, and personally, to the "service issues" you outline.

A) You seem to be confused regarding my personal appearance schedule during the Holiday Season. As I'm sure you understand, November and December are the busiest months of the year, not only for myself, but the entire organization. Besides ensuring adequate time spent double checking the master list database, I personally spend a majority of this period reviewing various 'checklist' items, such as; overseeing last minute technology upgrades to the sleigh, downloading GPS updates, completing 'alternate route' test runs via the space/time continuum, coordinating flight schedule changes with various government agencies, reviewing last minute "Naughty/Nice" waiver requests with our Legal Department and completing the annual performance evaluations of the Elf staff in accordance with their union requirements.

For these, and many other reasons, I DO NOT make personal appearances during this critical time of year.

Therefor, you should be aware that the individuals you have been harassing outside various retail locations are my "(H)oliday (E)quivalent (L)ocal (P)art-Time (E)mployed (R)elief (S)anta's", or as we call them; Santa's "HELPERS", acting on my behalf. For many years now, we have been aware of the difficult time you have been giving Santa's HELPER'S, but have decided to overlook your actions in the spirit of the season. Your letter caused us to review that position.

We hereby request that you CEASE AND DESIST any and all communication with the HELPERS. They have been given a minimum of instruction in order to complete their assignment and almost no information regarding the inner workings here at the office. Bottom line: They can't help you... Leave them alone!

B) The technical proficiency of the Elves here in what we refer to as "the Workshop" is world class. Our organization represents the single largest toy manufacturing facility in the entire polar region. We are certified in both ISO 9000 Quality Management and ISO 14000 Environmental Management disciplines. We engage in a Continuous Quality Improvement (CQI) program that is second to none and are 6 Sigma in all of our documented processes. Additionally, we have TWICE received the Malcolm Baldridge National Quality Award for excellence in our field.

For these reasons the Board of Directors and I have the utmost confidence in the high level of training and superior qualifications of everyone in our employ. The individual that informed you of any lack of qualifications among the Elf staff was either simply mis-informed or, what seems more likely to us, simply attempting to get you to go away.

C) Several years ago, the North Pole Toy Manufacturing Board of Directors convened an exploratory committee to look at creating the "on-line" presence you described. Representatives from CERN, the NSA, Apple, Microsoft, INTEL, GOOGLE, Lockheed Martin, The Rand Corporation, Facebook, Twitter and other global technology organizations testified to their belief that the shear volume of traffic such a website would generate could potentially crash the entire Internet. Therefore we made the correct, and responsible, decision to stick with our long established traditional means of accepting requests (i.e. regular mail).

NOTE: You might find it interesting to know that, to date, yours is the only letter of complaint we have ever received. Also interesting is the fact that most people over 8 to 10 years of age NO LONGER write Christmas letters to me. We assumed, based on all available evidence, that you were a "special needs" individual and put your letter with all of the other challenged party requests we received. Be assured, we have since corrected our error.

D) On advice of counsel, the Elves and I will not address the merits of your specific "monkeyworthy-ness" in this letter. We believe our actions to date speak for themselves.

In closing, one thing most people are not aware of is the close working relationship that I and my team have with various governments and law enforcement agencies around the globe. As you may imagine, it would be next to impossible to appear in approximately 79% of global households in one night if I were being stopped for speeding or stuck having border/passport issues every few minutes. The logistical coordination alone can be overwhelming and includes agencies such as The Department of Homeland Security, NORAD, NASA, Interpol and many other international organizations to complete. I tell you this not to impress you, but to inform you that we have turned our file on you over to the law enforcement agencies having jurisdiction in your area. Suffice to say, they found its contents to be very interesting.

Furthermore, by unanimous vote of the Board of Directors, your holiday status has been re-classified in our database to that of "X-MAS”. This means that you are hereby legally prohibited from celebrating the Christmas holiday's in any way, shape or form and have been permanently placed on our "Chronically Naughty" list. Any violation of this order will be dealt with swiftly and severely by our Enforcement Division. Additionally, we have filed the necessary paperwork to have a restraining order placed against you on behalf of myself, Mrs. Clause, the Elves, the Reindeer and all representatives working for our organization. If I may offer a free piece of advice; you might want to leave the HELPERS at the mall alone.

Consider this your one and only warning. The San Diego Police were appalled by your letter and lack of holiday spirit. I have been informed that they have begun keeping an eye on you as a result. Please do not make us take further action or give us reason to press charges.

Ho! Ho! Ho! - Merry Chri - (oops... I mean;)
Regards,
Santa

PS- Another small piece of advice: my entire staff became very upset by your letter and some wanted to take action on their own. I believe Mrs. Claus and I have talked them out of doing anything against you... for now. But, believe me when I tell you that you DO NOT want to piss off the Elves. Those little guys are nasty and can do things with a Candy Cane that would scare the living s@#t out of you.
So consider yourself warned. -- SC

(To Be Continued)

Big game hunters – those days are over. O-V-E-R. Didn't you get the Memo?

Guess I better make it a little clearer from my point of view.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a lion.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill an elephant.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a giraffe.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a rhino.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a hippo.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a leopard.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Greater Kudu.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Beisa Oryx.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Lelwel Hardebeest.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Cheetah.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Water Buffalo.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Zebra.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Wildebeest.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Tessebee

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Nyala.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Waterbuck.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill a Bontebok.

I apologize as I didn't know one could buy a license to kill an Eland.

I'm not sure if one needs a license to kill all of the animals listed above. However, my best guess is several of them are big game hunters' trophies. What a shame. Like I said at the beginning of this post...Big Game Hunters, those days are over...O-V-E-R.

Didn't you get the memo?

Editorial note:

I apologize for linking to so many places that profit from the murder of so many beautiful creatures, but thought it important that they should be exposed to the light of day.

Please sign this petition to show solidarity for ending big game hunting.

Oppression and abuse exists in the sex industry. It is not just by chance that there are many feminist groups vocally rallying against it.

Browsing the internet, it is easy to find anti-porn or anti sex-work feminists bring up cases of sex traffic and violence by or against prostitutes and porn actors to back up their arguments. Those situations they denounce are real. Those evils should be eradicated.

But what solutions are these groups proposing? Judging by available literature, the main option being proposed seems to be for women to stay away from everything sex work-related, as it will inevitably lead down a road of pain, destruction and subservience to men. End pornography! End prostitution!

But wait. There is a difference between being forced to do sex work and choosing to do sex work to make a living. And it seems like that distinction is rarely made in arguments against sex work.

To Emma, a feminist punk rocker, ‘zinester and occasional sex worker, the distinction is very clear.  “I am not one to say that the sex industry isn’t oppressive, but the people who are involved in it aren’t just naturally oppressed. I think that that’s when the nuance comes in that some people don’t want to talk about. Yes, sex trafficking is awful and terrible and we need to talk about it, but the answer to that isn’t to obliterate the lives of everyone else [who wants to have the option to do sex work].”

Instead of rallying against sex work in general, without distinguishing between slave labor and a means of voluntary employment, how about making sex work safer for those who want to have this employment option? How about fighting for sex workers’ right to legitimacy and protection? How about making it more difficult to prey upon workers in the sex industry?

Painting everyone in the sex industry with a single brush relegates them –and their struggles– to anonymity, increasing the danger in the profession. As Annie Oakley noted in her introduction to the anthology Working Sex: Sex Workers Write about a Changing Industry, “[w]hen you refuse to recognize someone’s humanity, you don’t have to worry about their working conditions, their safety, their health, their ability to make a decent living. Thus the cops, pimps, club owners and minimoguls at the head of petty fiefdoms like the Girls Gone Wild porn empire get to run the industry with little outside interference or regulation.”

Many women who choose to do sex work are simply deciding between two employment options: the “straight job” with long hours and miserable pay or the sex job that allows them to set their own schedule while making more money.

In both cases, the worker faces hard work and the regular condescending client who ruins their day. And sex work, as Emma puts it, “is just a job” that can be just as degrading as having to deal with a nasty customer at any other type of service job. To her, sex work isn’t empowering or sexually liberating, it’s just a job.

So why should one job provide more rights or be considered more dignified than the other? Labor conditions for sex workers can and should be improved. Just like they can be improved for retail workers scraping by on wages so low they also require taxpayers’ help.

Maybe it’s because charging for sex or sexual acts is considered morally hazardous for all women.

Well, that has a heavy undertone of patriarchy-induced religious oppression. As if it were inherently bad for women to tap into their sexual selves.

If a woman is comfortable with sex work, why shouldn’t she practice it? Why is it bad for a woman to be promiscuous while it’s just fine for guys? Who determines that?

Sex workers are not some nymphomaniacs trying to cash in on an exotic pathology. Neither are they all innocent runaways who fell into the hands of sleazy underworld lords. Many people became sex workers because they felt it was their best –or least worse– employment option. People in the sex industry are workers, just like those in any other industry. And they are human beings. How about they be offered the same protections as any other employment?

By having an honest dialogue about sex work and the diversity of its audience, it is also possible to make the sex industry more inclusive. After all, judging from what Emma describes as “big-box porn,” you’d think only guys enjoy sex. Even “lesbian” porn is geared towards straight men!

By taking production out of the minimoguls’ hands, many people are producing content for women, queers and transgendered people and those who love them. Porn films with women as the real protagonists start to pop up. Portrayals of erotic sex, as opposed to “wham, bam, thank you ma’am" (or mister, or both) sex, begin to be produced.  Even BDSM porn, containing actual interviews with the actors, is out there to be consumed. As there begins to be a little something for everyone, maybe the sex industry’s workers could finally obtain improved working conditions and less exploitation. And maybe they could just have a regular job without being cast as throwaways.

“Mom, is that you? Am I in a hospital?” her daughter asked.

“Yes, you are in the hospital, sweetie, but you are going to be ok, everything is going to get better now.”

“My arm hurts, what happened? I don’t even remember........” her daughter said in a slow, quiet voice.

She drew a large breath and steeled herself to respond as calmly and softly as she could, “You were shot in the arm. You have a serious wound. The doctor says you will still have full function but there will be a big scar.” She gently patted her daughter's IV infested hand. “It will be ok. We’ll get through this. I’m always gonna be here for you, baby.”

“He was so mad, I seem to remember.....”

“Yes, sweetie, your husband is the one who shot you in the arm. He shot your son too, in the leg, but the doctor says that the wound was mostly superficial and there won’t be much of a scar. The police have him in custody now.”

Tears rolled down her daughter’s face and trickled onto her hospital gown. “I never thought he would do that.”

She just nodded softly and stroked her daughter’s arm delicately. “I did.” She thought to herself, “I knew that it was going to get worse and worse.” But she kept her thoughts to herself, for now. There was a lot of healing and work ahead.

That isn’t a true story, at least, I don’t know of anyone who was shot by their partner, but it could be a real life event. I made it up based on what I have read, heard, imagined and experienced personally. How would I feel if someone harmed my babies? What would go through my mind if I was sitting by my daughter’s side at the hospital after she had been harmed by her partner? We never know precisely when someone will snap, we can’t determine exactly when we should leave because we haven’t really been taught the warning signs. It certainly wasn't discussed in any class I took in school or even college. Most women I know who are in abusive relationships don’t even realize they are because often the abuse isn’t physical and that is what makes it so much harder to realize. I didn’t. When I was a very young woman I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it was not until years afterwards, when I was in a healthy one that I realized how close I was to losing myself, my soul or my life. I also saw my best friend go through a similar relationship, not a bruise, not a scratch, not a bit of contact but the daggers still cut deep. He was a wealthy, succesful business man and she was a successful career woman. Emotional abuse does not have cultural, social, economic, ethical, religious or gender lines. The wounds linger for years.The volcano can be dormant for long periods.

Part of the problem is that we are only in the infancy stage of defining and educating our daughters on what to look for, the signs, the signals that abusers both physical and emotional use on their prey. And you are prey to them, never doubt that, after you leave them they will be looking for your replacement. In my grandmother’s generation one simply did not even talk about it- everyone in town pretended they did not see their neighbor’s black eye or bruised cheek, “It’s none of our business.” Abusers are looking for the weak of the pack, the vulnerable one at the fringe of the herd that is easy to take down. Those with insecurities and who lack self confidence are ripe for their picking. After you have been freed and learn about relationship abuse you will think about a particualr moment when the warning light went off, “That was it! That should have been my first clue!” But how can you know if you weren’t educated? If life were that simple therapists would be out of work. Don’t blame yourself, because that’s partly how you got into that relationship in the first place. You always think everything is your fault.

There is one sign that the person you just met may possibly be an emotional abuser, do they make you feel uncomfortable in anyway? Don't go on a second date. However, that's pretty easy to say, usually they are charming and funny and attractive EXCEPT the funny is at your expense. That's a warning sign. For example, you are walking along and you stumble on a crack in the pavement, "Ha! You're kind of klutzy, aren't you? I'm going to have to teach you how to walk properly." DING DING! Warning sign right there, did you catch it? "I'm going to have to....." A better respinse would have been, "Oh, are you alright?" Second or third date and they already think you need training? Here's another one, "Wow, that's quite a sexy waitress we have!" Do you see the problem here? Yes, that's right, why is he checking out women while he is on a date with you? And why does he think he can say his thought out loud to you? Warning sign. During the first weeks and months of a relationship both people in a realtionship should be floating aound as if no one else in the world exists- he should make you feel that you are Angelina Jolie, Ronda Rousey, Sophia Loren and Kamala Harris; brains, strength and beauty all in one perfect package- in fact, he should think that way about you all the time, even 10 years later. It is okay to occasionally point out an attractive person to your partner but words and semantics mean everything and should not be overlooked. "I thought our server was really attractive, did you?" is different from, "Wow, that's quite a sexy waitress we have!". One is an observation, one is comparing you to someone else. If they are attractive, funny and charming but at your expense then it's a warning sign. Can you fix them? Ah, that's the problem, we women are raised to be the 'fixer', the 'mom', the 'care giver' so when we see an orphan we want to pick it up and take care of it. Sadly, no, you cannot fix them. Let me say that a different way, "NO! You cannot fix them!" Thank them very much for the dinner or movie and move on. One of the main reasons you can't fix them is because they don't think they are broken. They think YOU are the broken one. You are not and the longer you stay the more they will beat you down until you believe, really believe, way down deep in your bones that YOU are the broken one. Leave. Walk away. In fact, RUN! Get the hell away.

But, you say, "You don't understand, it's not their fault. They had a hard life." Their dad was mean to them. Or their mom. Or the coach. Or a teacher in elementary school. Or a boss. Or a................ (fill in the blank). You see that's another signal to you; they are never the problem. Their problems are all caused by someone else, they do not own or take responsibilty for their problems. However, they will attempt to school you on how irresponsible you are because you are the one with all the problems and if it wasn't for you the relationship would be perfect and the two of you could live happily ever after. Feel free to feel sorry for them because they probably did have a bad childhood and that's why they are the dysfunctional person they are but feel sorry from afar. They need to figure out why they are the person they are and it has nothing to do with you. It is not your fault but if you stay eventually you will believe it is your fault. Soon your friends and family will slowly stop hanging out with you because they know he will be there. You are going to wonder why, so I will tell you right now why, "Because they see him for what he is, a verbal bully." They don't want to be around him or live with him and neither should you. If your family loves you and you have a good realtionship with them but they don't like him, then maybe he isn't the person he has convinced you he is. Don't roll your eyes in their sockets and think I don't understand. I do.

I do, because I once walked in your shoes, I really did. Sweetie, I am you 30 years in the future. I once felt the confusion of friend loss, family withdrawl but, oh, how I defended him, how I convinced myself that they just 'didn't know him like I did". They did know him and saw him for exactly who he was: a bully. I was the one who didn't. So now I am here, you're fairy godmother trying to change you, not from a house maid to a princess, but from an insecure, young woman to a confident, self empowered woman. I am not going to turn a pumpkin into a chariot for you, I am going to turn your thoughts into words and your words into writing. I don't want you to go to a ball with a fancy dress. I want you to go to college and learn how to write and wear a cap and gown. I am not going to give you glass slippers that you can't really wear. I am giving you a pen and a key board so that you can spread your experience to others. Go! Spread the message: you do not have to tolerate abuse of any kind from anyone. Tell your sisters, your daughters, your cousins, your friends, and your co-workers; everyone you come into contact with, "You don't have to put up with being put down." And tell your brothers and your sons too, because women are emotional abusers too.

If you read through the following list and recognize your relationship please don't withdraw, open the links below and see how you can get help for yourself, just because you don't have a physical mark does not mean you are not being abused. I promise you, I guarentee you, that one day you will be in a happier place and you will know what it means to be loved, not controlled. I am sure of it, IF you take the steps you need to get out of the relationship and seek to find out why you were there in the first place. Being loved feels great not bad. This list is a compilation of signs from many different sites and books and personal experience. This is a rare occasion when you don't need to 'get all the answers'; you don't need to have a complete list, just a collection of several of these. Just because you don't have a scar or bruise doesn't mean you won't, many emotional abusers end up physically harming their partners- it could just be a matter of time. Get out while you can.

"Why I Didn’t Realize My Relationship Was Emotionally Abusive If you see yourself in these words, know that there is little hope for your relationship to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change and unfortunately, this is rarely the case. If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to get out and with professional help if needed. Often the first step in leaving the abuser is obtaining counseling just to rebuild your esteem so that you can leave. I particularly want you to know that you may “love” this person, but that they do not “love” you or respect you. I assure you that in time you will get over this person if you break it off. You will be making the right decision ... no looking back." FROM: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

If you feel like you need help getting out of this relationship or figuring out what to do next, call the: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You're not alone. http://www.bustle.com/articles/96624-9-signs-youre-being-emotionally-abused-in-your-relationship-because-love-shouldnt-feel-manipulative

"But I’m not here to talk about all that, I’m sharing simply to shed a bit of light on key signs of emotional abuse, which is so damn underexposed, if for no other reason that it doesn’t bear the visible scars that physical abuse does." FROM: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/10/when-emotional-abuse-looks-a-lot-like-love/

It’s alarming when someone you care about is being abused and you may be tempted to launch a rescue and take charge to get your friend or loved one “out.” But people that are abused and controlled by their intimate partner don’t respond well to helpers that try to “boss them” into immediate action. Experts say that’s because it can feel like more abuse and control. Pushing them to do something they’re not ready to do or don’t feel safe doing, may only lead them to avoid you. FROM: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201510/how-help-someone-in-abusive-relationship

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/warning-signs-toxic-relationship-expert

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/11-warning-signs-unhealthy-relationships-you-need-aware.html

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/lesli-doares/emotional-abuse-in-my-relationship

http://bandbacktogether.com/emotional-abuse-resources/