Why We Yell (and break stuff)
Today I had the extreme pleasure of making a customer service call to a worldwide electronics manufacturer, it’s not important which company because that will distract from the point of my article.
I know many have enjoyed this stroll through Wonderland, Press 1 for...., Press 2 for....... you know the drill. When you finally make it through, you cling to that human voice for dear life, “please don’t let me get cut off, please don’t let me get cut off” playing over and over in your mind. They have to run through all your information, model, serial number, item, your name, your number, the color of your first bike, the name of your teddy bear when you were a child.....etc. Ok, finally, now you get to talk about your problem....click. Damn, you have been cut off. Ok, ok, you’re a civilized, rational person you will just try again and again. And again. Eventually despite your best efforts at patience, you develop this terrific urge to throw your cup of coffee at the wall or your phone through your living room window and occasionally pick up the chair you’re sitting on and toss it across the room (I didn’t do that- I just envisioned it). Because you have reached your limit, you are so frustrated and angry that you can’t resolve the issue with the call center employee that you become angry. Really angry.
Now imagine that you are trying to tell people about your terrible working conditions or that you have been out of work for 3 years or that your car broke down and you can’t make it to work because there is no bus service to the plant. Visualize that you are not promoted because the man in the cubicle next to you who spends 30% of his day playing solitaire on the computer gets the job instead and when you go to HR they tell you, ‘it’s just business, nothing personal’. Conceive that the water coming out of your tap is rust colored but you still have to pay for it. Reflect for a minute that every time you walk in a store you are followed by security. Consider that you watch your child suffer because the landlord won’t make the repairs in your apartment. Go one step further and imagine that is how you grew up. And how your parents grew up and their parents. Your great grandparents were polite and taught your grandparents that if they behaved and followed the rules time would pass and soon everything would be equal. You were told if you dressed nicely and conservatively that you would be given, not just a job, but a promotion too! Except it never happens.
Women being treated fairly has been a long centuries old battle and sometimes we see a glimmer of hope because there are women CEO’s, women in politics, or women owing their own property. We think progress is happening and we rest on our laurels but then we ask for a little bit more, like a whole dollar for the same dollar a man gets instead of $.77. Or we think we should be able to run for president of the country, like men do, but our opponent who yells constantly tells us we shouldn’t yell because it’s un-lady like. In one way women and Blacks have something in common: we are tired of waiting for equality. We have played by the rules. We women even spent a decade wearing business suits with frilly bow ties. We put our children in daycare for 8-11 hours a day so we could prove that we could work just as long and hard as men. We have made a lot of sacrifices yet we still aren’t equal. Blacks and women are still talking about the struggles. And it has been how long? Susan B. Anthony was talking about it in 1852 and we are coming on 200 years of her attempts and efforts for equal rights. Mary Wollstonecraft wrote A Vindication of the Rights of Woman (1792). Abigail Adams wrote her husband “I desire you would Remember the Ladies, and be more generous and favourable to them than your ancestors.” March 31, 1776. The point is: women and Blacks have been asking, struggling, demanding, working towards equal rights for a long time. For a brief moment I thought maybe we were getting somewhere and then the disrespect for Obama bubbled to the surface. Just this week we saw the bigots come unglued because Malia is going to Harvard. The problems are different and I am not suggesting that women have as many challenges as Blacks do, I know my life has been easier because I am white despite the fact I am female, however, I am suggesting that I can empathize with the anger.
When we watched the protests in Fergusson and other cities I heard and read many people say things like, “Well, why are they destroying things? No one’s going to listen to them if they are destroying things. They should protest ‘politely’.” Really? Protest ‘politely’? Where have these people been? Do they never leave their white washed home, step outside their white washed employment in white washed cities? Quite possibly not. If you are only watching mainstream media and only read media that caters to your preferences and think the Housewives of Orange County and Atlanta represents women and Black women in real life then I can see why you would not understand the anger. I comprehend why you don’t know why people are smashing windows and torching property because, well, I am going to have hurt your feelings but, you haven’t been paying attention. I’m sorry to offend you but maybe it’s time you were offended. If you think the solution to abortion is making it illegal then you aren’t paying attention. If you think the problem with mass incarnation of young Black men can be answered with, “Just say no.” then you need to get out more often. Jon Stewart: “Race is there; it exists. You’re tired of hearing about it?... Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.”
Bernie Sanders isn’t just an angry old man, the reason why he gets such huge crowds at his rallies is because he is speaking the language and addressing the issues of real life people struggling who are so fed up they are ready to throw boxes of tea in the Boston Harbor, and break windows, and torch property.
Calm, rational people don’t do things like that but frustrated, angry people do. Instead of asking why are they destroying property ask yourself why you never noticed before. Go back to my first paragraph and remember a time when you wanted to throw your coffee mug across the room, because I know you have felt like that. What made you want to do that? Because no one was listening? Because you tried to ask respectfully and graciously and waited patiently for ‘your turn’ and it still didn’t happened? That’s why we yell. Because you haven’t been listening.
While Bernie and Hillary are talking about the high cost of a college education the Republicans are talking bathrooms. While you are comfy and cozy in your white, male life many others are hanging on by a thread, as their parents and mothers did, as their grandparents and grandmothers did. Some of your friends and family members have been trying to tell you that busting up unions was a bad idea, that paying women and Blacks less was neither moral nor ethical because one day they would find out and be angry. A quiet minority of us have been suggesting that we change the health care system but you prided yourself on ‘what’s best for business’ instead of what’s best for humans. We have been polite. We have been patient. We have dressed and acted and done all of the things we were told to do to get ahead, BUT we are not ahead! In fact we are behind. Now we are angry and we want to throw something because it seems like that is the only way to get your attention.
There is only so much a person can take, the boiling point can be different for each person but now we have reached a collective boiling point. Most people are content with modest means so women and Blacks aren’t asking for the sky, although we deserve it as much as the Rockefellers, Vanderbilts and Bushes’ do. We want the same things for our children that the Kennedys, Buffets, Dimonds and Gates’ have for their children: an opportunity to flourish and succeed. While we persuade ourselves that we are the superior animals on the planet sometimes I am not so sure, our instincts are the same, even a kitten and a puppy know what’s fair, as illustrated in the Frans de Waal video. Chimpanzees get upset when they see unfairs.
Whether you are female, Black or any other kind of labeled minority I think you could find a parallel in your life that might allow you to understand the deep, generational anger and why it explodes when we don’t expect it.
The question is not why are people protesting and rioting, it is really why aren’t they doing it more often and why haven’t you noticed? If you read this and the first thing in your mind is, “No, I haven’t ever noticed this and I have never experienced this.”, please, before you say anything out loud, ask yourself if you have been walking in anyone else’s shoes. We have been ‘working hard’ too, just as hard and often much harder than you. As Micheal did I am asking: “Look at the man in the mirror. Who am I to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs?” Michael Jackson
I'm gonna make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right
As I, turn up the collar on
My favorite winter coat
This wind is blowing my mind
I see the kids in the streets
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs
A summer disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change1
I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?
A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make that
Change!
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Oh yeah!)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Better change!)
No message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change)
You gotta get it right, while you got the time
You can't close your, your mind!
(Then you close your, mind!)
That man, that man, that man, that man
With the man in the mirror
(Man in the mirror, oh yeah!)
That man, that man, that man
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Better change!)
No message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
Oh no, no no
I'm gonna make a change
It's gonna feel real good!
Chime on!
(Change)
Just lift yourself
You know
You've got to stop it
Yourself!
(Yeah! Make that change!)
I've got to make that change, today!
Hoo!
(Man in the mirror)
You got to
You got to not let yourself
Brother
Hoo!
(Yeah! Make that change!)
You know, I've got to get
That man, that man
(Man in the mirror)
You've got to move! Chime on!
Chime on!
You got to
Stand up! Stand up! Stand up!
(Yeah! Make that change)
Stand up and lift yourself, now!
(Man in the mirror)
You know it!
You know it!
You know it!
You know it
(Change)
Make that change
Jusr an Idea...
And now for something completely different...
So, this is America in the 21st Century. Call me old-fashioned, but when I was growing up back in the day, this country was a major source of pride for most of its citizens. Sure we had problems. Things like wealth inequality, racism, gender supresion, international threats and nukes were just the tip of the iceberg. And regardless of which side you landed on these problems, we could all at least come together around the holidays and have some fun.
Whether it was the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day or whatever, the people in our communities had a mutual respect for each other, and that was good. Of course, everyone of us had that weird Uncle Willie or odd Aunt Lilly who would always say the wrong thing or insult somebody by accident and start the drama. But it usually only lasted a couple of hours, or at a maximum, the rest of the day. We never had to worry about starting something that couldn't be un-done. We never had to have pre- arrainged agreements to keep from discussing certain things.
Some topics were taboo, sure. Most people don't like talking about money or religion or race. I get it. But back then we were all much more concerned about other people's feelings or positions. Plus, we had much thicker skin. We also knew who we could share things with and who we should keep quiet around. And we gladly did so. I'm not sure if we did it to keep the peace or we didn't want to hurt their feelings. But I'm fairly positive that it wasn't because to share our thoughts on a subject might set someone off or out of a concern that the opinion you shared might cause folks to think bad things about you.
One thing that I'm sure we all did agree on we're facts. Growing up we were certain that what adults told us was true. We knew that our friends and family didn't lie about things or spout crazy claims. Yeah, we all had the jerk cousin who would say the weird stuff that we would end up asking our parents or siblings to explain later, but he usually got into a lot of trouble for doing it. The good news was that we knew he was a freak and just let it go.
Another thing I'm sure that didn't cause many problems for people was the respect we had for one another's opinions. My family used to have some humdinger disagreements, but I never saw my Aunts or Uncle's, my Grandparents or my Parents go after each other to the point that we got worried they might lose respect for each other. That couldn't happen.
It never crossed our mind that somebody might say something that couldn't be taken back. Would the different sides of the family storm out and quit speaking to each other? Would they come to blows? Would this be the last time we all got together and celebrated Christmas? I'm sure it probably happened to somebody somewhere. But not very often, and never to the people I knew.
Today, I know people who have been family members who were very close, and others who have been friends for years, that won't talk to each other now. People that say really horible things about people they used to share holidays with. People who have cut others out of their lives altogether. All because they can't agree on basic facts. It's mind blowing. But even worse than that, it's soul shattering.
Folks, we really need to take a deep breath. Do you really believe that just because someone is not the same political party as you has some hidden agenda? That just because a person voted for the other candidate that they are really out to destroy this country? That the person you have known most, if not all, of your life should now be hated to the point where you think they are Evil? That's scary.
And, I'm sorry to be the one that has to tell you, but it says more about you than it does about them.
Most Americans are pretty busy these days. As such, an awful lot of people only have time to get their information from the major news networks. Folks don't have the time to sit down and read a newspaper with their morning breakfast. Or leasurely enjoy a magazine in the evening. They have commitments and priorities, or kids and spouses that control their time. I can't tell you the last time I went over to a friend or family's home and spotted a magazine or newspaper they had subscribed too. We just don't consider this important anymore. But, it is.
When you only get information from one place, as trusted as it may be, you run the risk of missing out on the various different sides of things. Different perspectives are amazing. When you don't see something from a different view than your used too, then you risk losing touch with the ability to see something new at all. If you only see things one way then you have missed out on the rest of the story. And there is always so much more to these stories than just one side. It's like with anything in life, if you look to closely, like only one news source, then you only see trees, not the whole wonderful forest.
With only one source of information, you run the risk of being manipulated. Of losing your natural empathy. It is entirely possible that you are being fed propaganda. For sure you are shutting off your natural curiosity, your ability to relate to others, your willingness to hear opinions that are different than yours. Any number of things that can, and will, only benefit you or work to your advantage later. Never, ever, get your information from just one source.
It just makes sense to listen to, read, or talk to different sources of information. Don't you teach your kids to make up their own minds? Don't you want your family to be able to critically analyze facts? Don't you want to bring new information to discussions your having with co-workers? Wouldn't it be great to impress your boss with your ability to relate to others on whatever project you have going? Critical thinking and the ability to empathize with others will only make you a better parent, friend, employee or person. I promise you.
It doesn't take much. All you have to do is identify where it is you have currently been getting your news from. If it is a limited number of sources, than switch it up. If its from TV, change the channel. If its radio, change the station. If its from a specific newspaper, try another. If its the Internet, try a different site. I've heard from smart people, that I trust, that it takes about three weeks to make or break a habit. Give yourself the time it takes to see if this works for you. You can always go back. But, I'm willing to bet it will. It did for me. I truly hope it works for you too. I think everyone should try this. Not just the folks who watch conservative TV, but actually everybody.
Good luck,
EJK
BEAUTY IS IN THE HAND OF THE CARD-HOLDER
Once upon a time,
In The Land of Dreams,
There evolved a crime,
Which for all time seems,
To moi-même, at least,
One of rare import,
Like a devil's feast,
Far exceeding sport.
Princesses, them all,
Ev'ry nation-sent
To this one, grand hall.
Fortunes there were spent.
Nothing in the world
More important was
The news therefrom hurled –
It was all the buzz.
Each lass with one thought
Midst this swirling sea
Wherein they are caught:
Queen One shall I be.
Yes, I know it's kind
To say nice things 'round.
"Your smart frock I find
Sensible and sound.
"Oh, look over there!
"Isn't that one smart,
"How she does her hair? –
"A doll, like in K-MART."
Thus it is 'mongst all
These potential queens;
Hoping for the fall
Of the other's jeans.
Now the tests are done –
All is in suspense.
There is only one,
Now, who'll leap the fence.
All the judges have
Promptly marked their cards.
There exists no salve
For the loser's hearts.
Big Nig grabs the mike –
Clearly out of place –
Like an unschooled tyke,
Shaming all his race.
Niggah, can't you read?
After all this time,
What a dumb-ass deed,
What a stupid crime!
All Colombia's wild;
There princess has won!
Now, they are beguiled;
Where'd I leave my gun?!
Filipinos shout,
Now, that makes more sense!
Just like Pacquiao,
We "Flips" leave our dents.
To close this sad tale,
Played live on T-V,
Of all M.C's, bail! --
On that one -- Steve Har-vee!!!
Prejudice Exists, Even When You Aren't Looking
Watching adults argue, insult each other, and be mean to each other is difficult, especially for the empathetic heart. Watching children be mean is doubly painful. It is painful because we know that the child learned his/her behavior at home and the parents and family are not able or willing to be an example of openness and understanding. We know that children are sponges of their environment and when we witness cruelty and bigotry we know that an adult showed them how to be that way. And now..... now, we have an adult in the highest leadership role our country allows, the presidency, who is personifying racism. #45.
A young teacher in my community, a small rural community of primarily white people told me a story yesterday. This is a story that made her cry and made me cry too when she told it to me. You see, in her school there iare only a few Black children, just a handful, in the whole school. She’s beautiful, smart and polite. She never causes trouble in the classroom. She’s 10. Yesterday a boy came up to her on the playground and told her she is, ‘an ugly, black, shriveled up mushroom’ and then ran off. This teacher overheard him and asked the girl about it.
“What did he just say to you?” The teacher asked.
“Nothing.” The little girl said.
“Come now, I know he said something because I heard it.” She told the girl.
“It was nothing.” The girl said again.
“Look, I want you to know that was he said was wrong. It is NEVER, ever ok for anyone to say that to you. Never. I want you to let me know when the kids are mean to you. I want to tell them that what they said is never ok. You do not have to put up with that.” The teacher told the little girl. “You are beautiful and smart and I love having you in my class. It wasn’t ok for him to say that to you.”
“It’s ok, I’m used to it.” The little girl said.
SHE’S 10! This little girl is ten years old and she said she is “used to it”. In 10 short years of living she has become accustomed to people insulting her because of the color of her skin. And many of us white people have become accustomed to ignoring that this happens, still, in 2017. A child has learned to live with racism. And we now have a president who perpetuates racism and stereotypes making it accpetable for people to say racist and hateful things- even to children. “Mexicans are rapists. Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”
We, white people, need to stop looking away, pretending we don’t hear it or see it. Racism is prevalent and so is white blindness, the lack of seeing the world from any other perspective but our own white eyes. You probably don’t think of yourself as a bigot but you may be blind and not aware of it. There is a scene in the movie Hidden Figures where Keven Costner’s character’s becomes acutely aware that he has been blind and oblivious. The women I watched the movie with all cried in that scene because I think for women we can relate just a little bit; men have overlooked us, insulted us and discriminated against us and many men were not even aware they were doing it until we started pointing it out to them. Women started having conversations with their husbands, fathers and brothers and the men started listening and encouraging. We need to have a similar conversation with Black people. AND we need to listen. Their story and experience is not the same as ours and we can’t assume we know or understand.
This is Black History Month. I would like to ask my white family and friends to look for opportunities to inform themselves about Black people, in their community, in our country. Go to a museum. Read literature about Black people’s stories. Open a link about, Kenneth Montgomery, a Black man and his real life experience: The Painful Reality I Was Forced to Face As a Young Black Attorney in Brooklyn. Have an open conversation with a Black person you know and listen, just listen to what they tell you. Just listen.
LITTLE TOMMY DEFLATEGATE
Poor Tommy's quite deflated.
He's been depressed so long,
Since first some assholes stated,
His balls were pressured wrong.
This all, to him, was myst'ry;
No idea had he – none.
He knew not of this sophistry
Of wiles with an air-gun.
Tom thinks the balls are magic;
He takes them as they come.
He finds his plight quite tragic,
That he be thought so dumb.
The trials he's made to suffer;
The endless ball-debate.
There's never any buffer
From this damned deflategate!
And, still they don't believe him.
So, now he's going to court,
On this cheap, ballsy-air whim
That jealous ends have brought.
It's not enough to be smart,
To smile and have your way,
To give more than your own part
On ev'ry football day.
My god, I'm more than handsome;
Just take a look at me.
Must I remain hushed and mum,
Re my star family?!
"Beauty," once they gave its due;
Where's proper homage gone?
Now, they barely look at you.
Though nude, on the front lawn.
Though the world has turned on me,
Because of my light touch,
There's one place the truth they see,
Where they love me so much.
All I need is to appear;
The adulation pours;
Where the crowd's roar fills my ear;
Where all are football "whores."
They're not drawn to things like "air,
"The pressure of footballs."
They have just a single care:
That I get all the "calls."
So, it's here, I make my stand;
Let all else go away.
Here upon this sod and land,
With these dear folk I stay!
All of you can go to hell –
You, who so disbelieve'
You, who think I cannot tell
A football from a sieve.
Don't you know it matters not
To my fans -- everyone –
If I'm cold or if I'm hot –
I'm still their shining sun!
Boston's not the place to charge
Ol' Tom with doing wrong.
Here, he's always living large –
Forever the Big Gong!
Do your worse, N.F.L. creeps'
Gp play your "deflated" tune.
Here, among my Boston peeps,
There's naught but a full moon!