I'm sorry I didn't return your hello......
I'm sorry I didn't say hello back to you when you said hi to me in the parking lot today. I heard you mumble, "Rude.", under your breath as you walked away. Yes, I know it seemed that I was being rude and unfriendly and, whether you believe me or not, I felt bad about being unfriendly. I didn't even raise my eyes from the ground. I may not be able to know if you will actually read this but maybe other men will and understand why some women aren't friendly when men we don't know are friendly to us. It's not personal.
It has more to do with us and a little bit of our personality type but a whole lot about how we grew up and what we saw and experienced as females. Some of us are just plain shy and it's difficult to be put on the spot in public spaces, it's uncomfortable and difficult. For many others of us it has to do with being a victim of a predator at some point in our lives. It could have been a bully. It might have been a father figure who scolded us not to present ourselves as 'easy' to men around us. We may have experienced sexual abuse, been molested or raped. You have no way of knowing so we appear cold and unfriendly and rude. That's not your fault- I'm sure you are a great person and would never think of harming someone but, there it is. Unfortunately, all men have to bear the brunt of what a few have done. It's human nature to avoid something that has caused harm in the past. People who have been in a serious car accident tend to be be overly cautious drivers- not the fault of all other drivers, just a reaction to a past traumatic experience.
For some women who have been molested, sexually assaulted or raped the reaction from family, friends and law enforcement was not supportive and as we witness quite regualrly in the news women are often ortrayed as bringing it upon thmselves. The following are true stories that have been altered slightly so as not to cause further harm to the women. Perhaps, you will understand why they don't say hi.
A little girl is lying in her bed in her dark room with light shinning on the hallway floor. Her mom and dad are out for the evening and her babysitter is in the living room watching TV. Just as she is about to fall asleep she sees a shadow coming down the hall, quiet foot steps come into her room and a figure hovers over her bed, determining if she is asleep. She feigns sleeps because Daddy gets very mad if she doesn't fall asleep right away. The babysitter, a young man of 15, slips into bed with her. She almost stops breathing- wondering why he is in her bed. She lays very, very, very still hoping he will go away. He doesn't, instead he begins to touch her 10 year old body making his way to her underwear. What is happening!? What will Mommy and Daddy say? What can she do to make him stop? He keeps touching her and fondling her and she can hardly breath, confused and afraid and helpless she lays stiff until he goes away. After he leaves she doesn't fall asleep until she hears her parent's car pull in the driveway. A sense of relief flows through her. She is safe now. Her fear and shame prevent her from telling her parents, they tell her what a nice boy he is and how nice it is that he is willing to babysit. This wasn't the only time it happened and her fear of confiding in her parents prevents her from telling them and she endures it many more times. She was 10. When she is an adult woman and gathers the courage to tell her husband and he tells her she is over sensitive and over reacting, "Ah, that's nothing. He was just a kid, he didn't know what he was doing. At least he didn't rape you." She never tells anyone until she finds a kindred spirit.
A young woman is invited to a party and she is really excited, she is new to the school and is happy to be included. The parents aren't home, the rooms are dark with only candles, the smell of marijuana permeate the house, and alcohol is flowing freely when she gets there and many of the other students are visibly drunk. As the evening goes on a young man shows interest in her, she feels flattered and accepted and returns his interest. Slowly, before she even realizes it, he has maneuvered her into an empty bedroom and closed the door. Her heart is pounding. She hardly knows him. She barely knows any of the kids in the house. Music is playing so loud no one can hear each other. Her pulse is racing and she is frantic. How can she get out without all the new kids realizing that she has been alone with him. Will they laugh at her? Will they make fun of her? She just wants to go home. Before she understands what is happening she is held flat against a bed and his pants are down and he is forcing himself on her. She fights him off, grabs her things and runs out the door and all the way home. Seeing her daughter upset and crying and shaking; her mother took her to the hospital to be evaluated. The hospital staff did their very best to blow off both daughter and mother, no exam was done, no charges were pressed. The daughter learned to keep quiet about it, no one wants to hear or know. She thinks it's her fault for allowing it to happen.
A 14 year old girl is visiting relatives in another state. Her aunt and uncle take her out to dinner to a fancy restaurant. She feels special and grown up. During the meal she goes to the bathroom by herself and when she comes out her uncle is waiting for her. He suggests she go with him to the parking lot to get her aunt's purse. Out in the dark parking lot with no one around he grabs her and tries to kiss her and pins her to the car. She wiggles free and runs back into the restaurant. At the table her aunt smiles at her and asks if she is having fun. How can she tell her aunt that her husband has just tried to fondle her? She says nothing. To no one. Until she is an old woman and confides in a friend.
In a new country with new cultures and new friends a 16 year old girl has a boyfriend that is a popular athlete and student in the high school. She feels lucky to have him, partly because he continually tells her how lucky she is to have him. Years later her therapist explains the term gas-lighting to her and she understands that she had been in an emotionally abusive relationship. During their two years together he coerced her into having sex with, questioning her commitment, her love and that she should prove her commitment to him by sleeping with him. He frequently fondled her publicly saying it was his right as her boyfriend. She never told anyone because he was a popular athlete and she was... well, she was just an average girl that would be nowhere if it wasn't for him. Years later a friend told her, "You need to get over that, I mean how long are you going to carry that around? Gees, it's not like he raped you." She worked through it with a therapist and now helps young girls in counseling.
Sometimes there isn't even contact for a man to make a woman feel violated. We can walk into a room, walk down a street, get coffee in the employee lunch room and a man can talk to us like we are only there for his viewing pleasure. If we complain, we are told we are 'too sensitive', 'over-reacting' or 'imagining it'. If we go to HR we are frequently asked, "Is this something you really want to pursue? He will have to receive a written reprimand and it will go into his file. Are you sure this is was really what happened?" Many women feel pressured to not pursue anything.
These are the kinds of stories that haunt some women. Some can just push them aside and not be affected by them. Some are deeply affected and need counseling. Some are affected and function but have difficulty in certain social situations. Many continue to be mocked. When a man approaches a women with a painful memory her lack of response may be a result of these kinds of past experiences. When you tell her she is being rude you may be adding to the painful memory. You don't know and she shouldn't have to justify her actions to you. Chalk it up to a difference of personality and move on. One day when we live in a culture that takes women seriously when they talk about sexual, emotional and physical abuse then we can all feel safe meeting strangers. Until we can all agree on what is an acceptable way to discuss and treat women and we can all agree that it isn't 'just locker room talk' or that 'being fondled isn't better than rape' we are going to have to agree to different levels of what we think is 'just being friendly'. We don't know if you are just being a friendly guy and that you are genuinely pleasant and sociable, so we error on the side of caution. We don't know if by returning your hello and smiling at you are interpreting it as a come on so we don't take a chance.
I wrote this to help people understand what it is like to be the victim of a predator. I wrote this before the election. Now we have a predator in the White House and if you aren't concerned I worry for you, but mostly I worry for our daughters.
Build Friendships....
“Bridges not walls..” That was a post today by a friend of mine. There has been a great deal of discussion about walls this past year, some believing that walls solve problems. Robert Frost suggested “Good fences make good neighbors” in his poem Mending Wall (1914). I started reflecting on historically significant walls in history. The Great Wall of China is one that most people are familiar with and one famous wall that no longer exists is the Berlin Wall. Do walls help or hinder peace among people? Could we live peacefully without walls and fences? In his poem, Frost explores the paradoxes in humans as we "make(s) boundaries and we (he) break(s) boundaries".
It is a dilemma. If ranchers let cattle roam freely and eat crops that would be a problem for farmers. If my dogs (as wonderful as I think they are) were allowed to roam the neighborhood freely my neighbors would not be happy with me. Fences are important and so are walls. The question then may be what are we doing with our fences and walls? Are we being neighborly or are we being exclusionary? Are we excluding others because we are fearful? Do we want anyone to come into our yard at any time or do we want our privacy and expect them to be invited? It seems reasonable to have boundaries and borders. In a country where 98% percent of the population is Non-Native American we are a nation of immigrants or decedents of immigrants, yet, we continually denigrate immigrants. It’s a bit psychotic, really. Each wave of ethnic group that attempts to join our country is harassed, scorned and rejected. We do it every time. Irish, Jews, Polish, Italian....... At some time we have held a particular ethnic group in disdain.
We also claim to be a country based on freedoms; press, speech, and religion. Unless it is not OUR press, speech or religion. We erect walls and fences to keep those we perceive as ‘different’ from us away. The walls and fences are not always visible or tangible sometimes they take the form of laws or language or rules or building laws. These are the walls that are not conducive to being good neighbors. Drawing lines in the sand or constructing walls to keep those we distrust out can actually contribute to the problems we fear. Cordoning off those we dislike can come back to haunt us by creating anger and dissent. It is probably safe to say we all want the same basic things in life; a safe home, a steady food supply, decent jobs with a living wage to raise our families in peace. This is what refugees want. This is what Americans want. Most Americans were either once immigrants themselves or are descended from immigrants. Can we not place our collective feet in the shoes of those who are now asking for the same chances we have been given? After all, humans have been migrating for 80,000 years. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-great-human-migration-13561/?no-ist
Should we be careful who we let into our country? Of course we should. Just as we are careful who we let into our homes. Currently it can take up two years to be able to come to the US as a Syrian refugee. Meanwhile these people, women, children and babies are living in deplorable conditions. Imagine how relieved you would be to be a given a new chance after your home and life had been destroyed beyond recognition. Some of our ancestors were given the same chance and that is how we came to be living in the US. Imagine how grateful you would be. Do we need ‘the best wall’? Or do we need compassion, understanding and careful regulations? In a dangerous, volatile world do we need to make enemies or friends? I suggest friendship trumps enemy. Far wiser people than I have made the same suggestion.
A tale of two cities
It was the BEST of times...
Can you rightfully continue to call your hometown a "city" once you have seen Paris from the top of La Tour Eiffel? How will you refer to the items in that box on your dresser, after you have been dazzled by the Crown Jewels? Is that building, so full of civic pride, still worthy of the title "museum" after you have wondered the halls of Impressionist masters at the Musée d'Orsay? What is art at all, once one has literally had the breath taken from their lungs upon looking up and the realization of Jacques-Louis David slowly sinks in.
What boulevard is worthy of the title, after you have strolled the Champs-Élysées? Will the girls at the local mall ever seem "hot" again after you have seen the ultimate class of women of all types decked out in Givenchy, Dior, Saint Laurent and designers so new the names are as yet unknown on the other side of "the pond". Do I now need to re-read all my Sherlock after having taken Baker Street as simply "the lane around the corner"? What book will ever include the experience of realizing that the chapter of The Black Count I am currently reading, took place where I am sitting? Do I still take Google Translate for granted after viewing THE Rosetta Stone? Was all that effort we put into trying to save that 150 year old building a joke, once you find out that people still live in the Tower of London where the White Tower was begun by William The Conqueror in the 11th century?
How will something as trivial as my morning coffee ever be able to live up to the lingering taste of Café Americain and a warm croissant?
Then, on the looooong flight from Heathrow, you remember that when you introduced yourself as "a stupid American" to that group at your first English pub, you responded to their question with "California" and the look in their eyes was pure envy. You recall the beautiful hope of the pedi-cab driver who was saving up so he could go up the Empire State Building and stand on the span of the Golden Gate. The couple whose dream it was to simply see the Hollywood sign and stand in front of Grauman's Chinese. You still hear the beautiful accent of the Parisian who asked what New York was like, but realize your answer was "the same as Paris, only different".
Your wife picks you up after the journey and you realize there is no more beautiful woman on the planet PERIOD. The car pulls in to the driveway and what a day ago you referred to as "a shack" compared to Buckingham, is now calling to you with the comfort only home can bring. Your kids wait expectantly on the souvenirs and it is better than the best Christmas morning, EVER.
I cannot wait to see Hyde Park again. Next time I want Paris in the Spring. But just like Dorothy, the one thing my trip to the two Emerald cities has made clear, is that there is no place like home...
Thank you David, my son, I will be forever grateful.
Originally published as a NOTE
Paris
sombre
wind whistles
vibrating
bodies burn
in communion
chaos cheats
choir once
again
bourj al-barajneh
paris
palmyre
dancers of dead
follow
fountains of blood
names
numbers
now
night
this
night
howl
in terror"s tower
built
before babel
for baal
ba'al
take us
back to sound
of sewing
skin
back
fury's
secret
baal
bring bird
on shoulders
screeching
golden
afternoons gone
world no more
(than that)
let cacophony
of birds wing
flutter against flesh
wounded
we sing
alone
we come
to choir
secret safe
behind our teeth
but speech difficult
walk towards us
ribbons in hair
book in hands
living
souls
sing song
clouds ô clouds
ancient hours
open
open
open up
between feet
dance deliberately
without word
without
fear
tree of birds
crying
fear
tree of birds
crying
wash away
wash
away with
saliva
sister
& brother
heritage
hurting
hurting
beyond
belief
border
border
belief
learn
language of water
under skin
learn
now
learn
learn
now
go
to secret
become
ash
alphabet
shelter
secret
succumb
cough blood
outside gate
in garden
go with ghost
exchange tongues
count & count
again
place pebbles
in one pocket
then another
count pebbles
in palm
unfolding under horizon
Why They Stay
Imagine if you will a woman who was abused as a child. A woman whose sense of purpose and identity is nonexistent as an 18-year-old adolescent. A woman who is unwed, pregnant, and 70 miles away from home, living in an economy apartment with the man who promised her everything when she was 17. Imagine if you will a situation where she works three jobs to support his drinking because he said she was special. He was not the only one who told her that; her father used to tell her that when she was five, right before bed each night when he molested her. A woman whose mother was so insanely narcissistic that holding a conversation with her was impossible, unless it revolved around how she looked, what she bought for herself, or how her day was going. A woman whose friends encompassed both men and women who always wanted nothing but sex from her. Imagine a woman being beaten, raped, verbally abused, and emotionally battered every night for 5 years. A woman who tried to tell other people, but no one would listen to her. There is no support network, no friends who will help her unless she has sex with them, no parents to love her and tell her it is not her fault. She is alone, scared, pregnant, penniless, beaten, hurt, confused, and the world around her is making her indifferent to pain. She lives on eggshells every day of her life because the man who was supposed to love her is hurting her. After years, she finally and barely gets out with her life and the life of her child. Now imagine someone asking her, "Why did you stay?"
This scenario is not as uncommon as I would like to think. I have known many women who come from exact or extremely similar backgrounds. Unfortunately, the ignorant, tend to ask the woman why she stayed or, even worse, blame her for the continued abuse. Having to live with the violence is horrible, but the slap in the face by those who were supposed to love you and be there for you when they ask "Why did you stay?" is excruciating. I lived a very similar scenario in which I moved out of my house at 17 and moved in with the vilest, despicable, wretched, and evil person I have ever met in my life. This man was (and still is) an alcoholic whose mother enables him to the max. He would beat, cuss, yell, sexually abuse, lie, steal, and use drugs. This man constantly called me names, insulted my weight, the fact that I was "just a woman", insulted my intelligence, and once attempted to "sell" me to a friend of his at a party for a 12-pack of Miller High Life. Naturally, his friend did not get too far as he climbed on top of me while I was sleeping in my own bedroom.
Why did I stay? Simply put – I did not know I had any other place to go and I did not know how life should be. The first one is simple: not knowing that I had options, such as a shelter or a community to reach out to, was ignorance on my part and this can be fixed with current and future generations through awareness. However, the second one of not knowing how life should be comes from upbringing. Parents should teach their children that being beaten is wrong. Parents should let their children know how powerful, beautiful, courageous, and strong their children are. I was a rebellious child and instead of nurturing that rebellion, my parents fought me tooth and nail in order to get me to do what they wanted me to do. Power struggles between parents and teenagers are certainly not new, but how parents can handle those struggles will dictate how the child behaves or what the child will allow in their lives as adults. Choosing the battle is of extreme importance when parenting and will allow a child to naturally explore limits, find a truth inside, and to start on the long and winding path toward being a critical thinker.
There was an underlying reason, aside from not knowing where to go and not understanding life at that age, and that was fear. I was very afraid to leave the person I was with because he was extremely violent and would tell me he would kill me and my daughter if I ever did leave. This is bullying and there have been great strides in bullying awareness, but mainly in terms of adolescents in school. I feel that bullying as an adult needs more attention for people who are still in the horrible situation of living with someone who is abusive. This is also an important area for parents and how the parents need to look for signs of bullying on both levels: Is their child the one being bullied or the bully?
Raising a child without abuse and with the knowledge of how not to put up with abuse is very important, but what about the parents who have failed in raising a child not to be abusive to others? One such case is the person I was with wherein his mother enabled his actions through purchasing him anything he wanted (currently he lives in a house owned by her, drives a vehicle she purchased, and she pays his bills). This mother had also even purchased alcohol for her son who was an alcoholic! I reached out to her once because I had no one else to talk to about the situation. I called her after a particularly rough beating and asked her if she would talk to her son about not hitting women. Her response was, "Laura, you need to get your shit together! There is nothing wrong with [her son's name omitted]." She blamed me for being hit and was completely in denial about her son being an abusive alcoholic. She would see me with bruises and ignored it. Since then she has seen her son arrested for beating woman after woman, yet she still helps him (especially with bail money). His last girlfriend killed herself without any history of mental illness. I understand what she went through because suicide was a daily thought for me just living with his abuse.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: "Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse." Domestic violence needs to stop immediately. There should be harsher punishments for men who like to abuse their spouses and / or children. There needs to be a paradigm shift in the social stigma of domestic abuse. The stigma needs to be placed not on the women who are abused, but the men who are abusing women. Perhaps instead of asking what is wrong with a woman who stays, society needs to start asking: What the hell is wrong with a man who would abuse a woman?