So I’ve been wondering…
How many Facebook “followers” do I need to have before I can be officially considered a cult leader?
Do “friends” count, or just followers? Can I throw in those from Google+ or does anybody even give a shit about Google+? Is MySpace the same as purgatory? Do prophets/gods have to tweet? If so, this may just be a deal breaker.
Do I have to write a book that outlines in logical and reasonable terms why MY cult is the one and only true cult… Or do I just list a bunch of ridiculous rules and easily misinterpreted parables, pulled out of my ass, full of contradictions and evil… Or is that too much like all the other holy books?
Once I get the 501(c)(3), should I accept donations via PayPal or strictly use Bitcoin, ‘cause you know, we can trust it? I hereby swear NOT to get involved in politics… until AFTER I have non-profit status.
Am I god myself, or am I just the living manifestation of god (note to self; buy a dove and call him “spirit”) Or am I just his special prophet whom he has chosen to be the only human being in all of history who knows his will? (Yes, it IS just a coincidence that his will happens to coincide with mine, so THERE)
By the way; if you question even ONCE why I keep referring to god as he/him, you will burn in a very special place in the new hell I have my engineers designing as we speak. Compared to me, Dante Alighieri was a wimp!
Do I have to die first, so that others may worship me? Or can we just get this party started right now? When I die, should I choose a successor to keep the horse-crap rolling… or should I just let ’em fight it out and have a betting pool?
If some of my followers cherry pick from the insane bullshit I spout, only the sections that include all the touchy-feely parts and ignore all the hate I intend to include, does that make them the good followers or the bad ones? This one REALLY vexes me.
Should I hate fags and love zygotes… or is it the other way around? Naturally we execute anyone wearing polyester blends. I mean anybody that lived through the leisure suits of the ‘70’s will be on board with this one. Of course my god will support slavery, all the other big ones did and it is dog eat dog out there. (remember that whole dog spelled backwards thing?)
For all those (women ONLY) who commit adultery, do I stone ‘em, behead ‘em, burn ‘em… or can I just keep ‘em for myself?
For my soon to be dead followers, do I promise that you get to sit at the right hand of me? Does that mean I have to sit still for all eternity?
Does everybody get a thousand (up the ante baby!) virgins? If so, what do all those virgins get? And wouldn’t we prefer sluts anyway? At least then we don’t have to worry about what the sluts get. Now THAT is how you do a win/win!
Do we have suicide bombers? If so, who should we bomb? Right now I’m thinking everybody that doesn’t immediately accept ME as their lord and savior. But, I’m open to suggestions.
At what point do I get my own country? I demand diplomatic immunity, the right to have my own army and the right to kill all those who oppose me. And who’s land do I get to take to “create” it? (No Israel, I was actually thinking about Catholics and the Vatican... but if the shoe fits…)
And at what number does my cult change to a “religion” and I go from being a cult leader to becoming a Pope/Bishop/Mullah/Rabi just like all the other lying scumbags???
EVERYBODY SING!!!
Gimme that José religion
Gimme that José religion
Gimme that José religion
It's good enough for ME.
Originally published as a Facebook Note
