Why I Don't Hate Men
There's a lot of hatred for men among the women in this country right now. If you're looking for me to tell you it's unjustified, you won't find it. Nearly every woman I know has suffered some sort of abuse, most of us more than once. Myself included. I'm not talking about being teased or passed over for a job. I'm talking about assault. I'm talking about being sexually molested as a child—I was twelve—and/or being brutalized like when my first husband tried to strangle me.
If they're angry as the men who have power over everyone in this nation dismiss those experiences as irrelevant, as unimportant, as expected behavior, it's hardly a surprise. Many of these same women are re-traumatized and more than a few are furious. Furious that they have no reasonable recourse, furious that events that have left painful scars if not crippled the rest of their lives are waved away as negligible. Negligible. Horrified and enraged that our young daughters and impressionable young men have been told by people who decide our laws, who tax us, who put our judges in place, who decide policy that our daughters can be preyed upon by their peers and others with impunity, that it doesn't matter how they have been damaged, that it's just an acceptable part of life.
Their rage—our rage—is justified. But, and I think this can be lost in the maelstrom, I do not hate men. Not because I don't think this is an important even a crucial issue. Not because I'm not appalled that we are facing putting someone on the highest court on the land who so obviously despises and dismisses the humanity of women. I think both of those things.
But because, while almost all women have apparently faced this, despite what those same crusty insensitive GOP men on Capitol Hill have told you, there are many men who would never do anything like that. Maybe they'd mansplain. Maybe they'd pass you over for a promotion without really thinking about it too hard. Maybe they'd say little or nothing while buddies talk about less than savory sexual conquests. But, this isn't something they would do.
I have two abusers in my past, but I've interacted with dozens, no hundreds of men. Some I've worked with or been friends with closely for decades. Two men mistreated me, brutalized me; dozens have supported, understood, encouraged, protected me. Starting with my father who told me I could be anything I wanted to be and introduced me to literature on rapists so I'd be informed and could protect myself (though that was after I'd been molested, something I never told him). Teachers. Friends. Employers. Love interests. Colleagues. Good decent men who stood with me and helped shield me when my first husband was a real and present danger to myself and even my young daughter at the time. Friends I have now that post the same disgust with what's happening as my female friends.
I know many of these men get it. No one needs to tell them they're not painted with the same brush—though most understand it if some of it slops on them. They know that the people currently in power in Washington have targeted women (not just women, of course, but we're certainly a key target) and that much of what we—and many of them—have fought for for the past fifty years is at stake and endangered.
But there are other men who think our rage is a threat to them even though they've never done anything wrong. They're fearful and defensive. This is the wrong time for that, fellows. Your rage is aimed at the wrong place. Take a moment. Take a breath. Think rather than feel.
The people you should be raging at aren't women, the women around you that you know and love who have been brutalized by men. It should be with the men that brutalized them. That rage should be for the rapists and molesters that have stained and tarnished the lives of the women you care about. That fury should be aimed at the men who, even now, are smearing the reputations of good men everywhere by saying "all men do this" and "boys will be boys" and "men can't help themselves." Men are and can be better than that. And men who are better than that, you need to be at the forefront screaming at this bullshit. You need to be yelling at the top of your lungs.
Because the ones they are insulting are you. The reputations
they are destroying are yours.The women afraid to meet you except in public? These monsters are behind it. Your wife who cowers if you raise your voice for any reason? These people are the ones that terrorized her and implicated you when they did so.
This war isn't about men vs. women. This is monsters vs. humanity.
Can't sit this one out silently, folks. Time to stand for humanity
Still Trying, Still Hoping
Based on feedback, I guess I have not made myself clear. So I will attempt one last time to try to define what I mean by civility in political discourse. “Nevertheless I shall persist in trying.”
Lately I have been thinking about a phrase from way back in my mind, to freshman year college, Philosophy 101. Was I ever so completely unprepared for anything as THAT class? I barely got a D. It gives me the shivers, just thinking about. I have had a little niggling thought deep in my mind, like a very faint beacon that has been going on/off for so long that it has forgotten why it existed in the first place, just repeating itself. The phrase was: “...introduce the high classes into a purely rational, selfless political theory...”. Pretty bizarre when I thought about it, what did it even mean? And then it lit like a spark on dry pine needles. Whoosh! It has to do with current politics, I felt compelled to search it out, I dimly recalled it in reference to the 5 stages of government. If you don’t know what that is, because, really who has time to truly think, to actually have the luxury of deep thought anymore? It’s a theory of Plato’s, the Greek philosopher, who lived 2300 years ago, in Athens, Greece. He believed that there were 5 stages of government, Aristocracy, Timocracy, Oligarchy, Democracy, and Tyranny. Commit to memory #3 and #4 in the graphic below as you read through this article.
The chart of them in a line really struck me........ My eyes landed not Oligarchy but actually Timocracy. That, to me, is where we are. A Timocracy. (and notice what comes after timocracy)
Many people, “And some, I assume, are good people." have been bandying about the idea and the suggestion of Oligarchy. They are not far off when you read the description and see the pattern. It’s pretty clear that we are in transition and are in a culture that: "in choosing its leaders, is "inclining rather to the more high-spirited and simple-minded type, who are better suited for war". The governors of timocracy value power, which they seek to attain primarily by means of military conquest and the acquisition of honors, rather than intellectual means. (I mean, come on, have we ever had a less intelligent president? have we? Feel free to correct me on that.)
And then along came Benjamin Franklin “If you can keep it.” (Well, yes it was a couple thousand years later but has that much changed? Seriously? Let’s be honest- not much has changed.)
Do we want to stay this course? Or do we want to go back to our own definition of what were the best times of our lives? The ‘best times’ are different for every person. We all have our version of ‘the good ol days’. That’s part of our dilemma right now, we all know that this isn’t the place we want to be but we disagree on how to get there. Disagreeing on how to get there is expectable and potentially easy if we really pared away what wasn’t really, super, excellent, most important we would probably all agree on what matters, no matter who you are. How about we create something memorable for all of us, yes, even you, (insert person type you don’t like here).
We used to be:
But we are now:
I don’t know about you but I am ready to start talking action, no more just tossing out incendiary word bombs. Calm down, not THAT kind of action. And definitely NOT that kind of action. I’m talking about, “What do you do after you fight with your partner, loved one, child, friend?” Don’t you sometimes just get tired of trying to prove who was right and who was wrong, better/worse, smarter/dumber, right/wrong? I am. After arguing with your partner for what seems likes hours you just stop and realize that no one’s going anywhere. No one is giving up and the relationship is worth preserving. What happens in other relationships can happen in the greater community.
We crave, even if secretly, going back to a time when we were young and new and fresh. Our growing up trials and tribulations are in the past. We are all nostalgic now because we know how that story ended. It’s easy to be sentimental about the past because the worry of it is gone- we know we survived. We don’t know how the current story ends and we’re anxious about that. We all love to think about how exciting it must have seemed to John, Benjamin, Thomas ... Even you historians and realists! That was a time that we all want to believe in; that a group of men, on a hot day, in a cramped room, decided, “Yay! We are done with England. We are our own country (person)! Let’s write a Constitution and have a beer!” AND THEY DID! That is what they did, they became grownups with responsibilities and adventures of their own. Except we all know it wasn’t quite like that. There are books end on end across the country and back (that’s a metaphor, don’t try to calculate it) about how we became a country on our own, independent from a KING (remember, most people don’t like their kings. Look it up- most kings haven’t been that nice.) We all love that story because it’s the story we all want to believe. Why? Because it gives us hope. But there are a LOT of clues that if we don’t change some things, it’s going to get rough, as it always does for the little people and the masses and the average person.
Why do we watch superhero movies, because we sure as hell need one. (Sorry, Tina.) No matter your political persuasion most of us have invoked our dear ‘Founding Fathers’. They are so wonderful because they said it all, what more can we add? How can we improve on a document that most of us agree is impeccable?
Let’s be honest, I think we all know, if we can admit it, there are two things always “ON” in our brain. Of course we have the usual, “I worry about my family, pets, friends, and job, etc” but I am talking about the thoughts that are ceaselessly flashing on/off. Climate Change or War Prevention? Anxiety about these two things are never too far away from the mind and gut. If you think about it- if we don’t solve those two things, then nothing else matters. If we truly want to protect our loved ones then we have to protect where they live, which is OUR place. I hope I have relayed my apprehension over the near future. I am somewhat concerned.
All of that leads me to: we have got to figure out how to stop the bickering, fighting, insulting, and disparaging conversation. You think you don’t do it? You think it’s only those others that do it? I think you may be incorrect about that (based on a lot of reading and reading). I’m pretty sure we are all a bit mean to other people. Sometimes we have very good reasons, some people can be toxic to you. And that leads me to my dilemma, "How do I reconcile my dilemma between being thoughtful with everyone versus protecting myself from someone else’s words?” I recognize that we will not always like each other, sometimes there are going to be people we just do not like. It’s going to happen. The thing is, what to do about it? I open that drawer of my interior file cabinet at least once a day. We can at least treat each other with civility.
Here’s what I have been thinking about, remember, “based on feedback, I guess I have not made myself clear....about... civility in political discourse. “
If you want candidate A then tell me all about them, sing their praises, describe their wonderful work, and talk about why they are a great candidate. Be proud, think about how you tell your co-workers about your kid last Saturday in Little League.
If you don’t want to hear about my candidate I won’t force you to, you can turn the page, click the next link, scroll past, walk past, don’t sit next to, and don’t send email to me, politely ask me to stop sharing my interest in Candidate A with you and other ways that you can simply walk away. You really don’t need to spend time trying to show me what a dumb ass I am.
Possibly share some concerns you have, “I am concerned that candidate A voted on (insert issue here), I don’t think Candidate A should have done (insert action here).
TOTALLY and COMPLETELY fine.
We can get along just fine with that kind of conversation. I am not misguided, stupid, ignorant, a corporate Dem, a sycophant Republican, an arrogant liberal, a blind conservative, an asshole, a bitch, a jerk, a dirt bag, a libtard, a repuglican, crazy, less deserving, lazy, corrupt, a sewer rat, a traitorous Dem, a treasonous Repub........ None of that needs to be included in our discussion. Also ‘pull up your big girl panties’, ‘wake up’, ‘you are being led’, ‘you are being manipulated and ‘can’t even see it’, etc. All of this will accomplish one of two things, the conversation will die or it will turn into a fight and there we’ll be trying to figure out how we are supposed to work together or share Thanksgiving dinner together or even attend a community meeting together.
Meanwhile the billionaires keep going down the road corrupting our Constitution, trampling on our Founding Fathers graves, stealing from our bank accounts and living the extravagant life while we barely feed ourselves.
We are at a fork in the road, do we go down the democracy path or oligarchy? #3 and #4 above. It’s really up to us how we decide to participate in the next year, who we elect and how hard we work. I’m not going to like your candidate and you probably aren’t going to like mine. That’s fine, that’s what the polling booth is for but until we get to the booth we can and should have productive debates about the best way for us to proceed to that beautiful place we imagine in our minds- the perfect union that our Founding Fathers envisioned for us.
PAGLIACCIO AMERICANO
“Ridi, Pagliaccio …” – “laugh, Clown, laugh,”
So goes the opera, “I Pagliacci.”
We Americans, too clever by half, helplessly are caught in the headlights of the unimaginable antics of our own, (maybe lawfully) elected clown.
America is in crisis. Our Constitution is in limbo. The Clown of the United States has the genetalia of the whole world in his sordid hands.
We are being subverted from the top, down.
Our White House has been converted into a playhouse for a clown.
A rich clown with no conventions
He is obligated to recognize,
His only extant strategy
Is selfishly to improvise.
Going against the grain seems to fit him best.
Distributing mass pain, seems to be his test.
In his practiced of business,
He tended to rule the roost.
“Twas you who got the boost.
He cheated to maximum effect.
Whether he owed you,
Or you owed him,
From court to court you’d trek.
That practice of overwhelming others,
Hehe brings to our nation’s fold.
A man without a conscience
Is dangerous to behold.
But, at the highest oil drum,
Here on God’s green earth,
With power as his fulcrum,
The clown is devoid of mirth.
The only controlling factor
Is the center ring’s little clown car.
But the little clowns all squeezed therein
Merely salute and call him, “Czar.”
Ridi, Pagliaccio…
MOUNTAINTOPS: INEFFECTUAL RHETORICAL HOPS
Basta! Enough! We’ve reached MLK’s, “Mountaintop.” Let him be. Let’s get to work!
Moses had roamed the desert for 40 years with his formerly enslaved people. After descending the mountain with his God-fire-inscribed stones and demolishing the notion of Golden Calf worship, wearily he sat and commanded: “Go! Here I remain. Milk and honey await you on the other side of yon mountain.”
Today, Moses could say only, “Oy vey!” That milk and honey quickly turned sour, and followed his put-upon people through successive millennia, up to this moment. Likewise, through intuition, MLK similarly urged his minions onward, without him, to another mountaintop. We now know that mountaintops are bullshit! There is no milk and honey, and there is no softening of ingrained attitudes. Whatever the problem is, it should be worked out on the spot, within the affected group.
It took hundreds of years for Jews to wander through a hypocritically, “Christian” world of abuse, until they learned to make the desert bloom. Had they concentrated on that, back in the days when they were provided with the agricultural hint of manna, “Holocaust” would be solely a common noun. Had King striven to Improve the, “(un)Equal” part of the, “Separate but…” society in which he lived, lots of heartache and, “nonviolence” would have been avoided.
By being marginalized and ignored, the emancipated were able to follow the example of those already freed but socially rejected darker citizens of the country. The parallel existence that prevailed was similar, but separate. Negroes, in the North or the South, free or enslaved – both ante- and post-bellum -- were treated as though socially they did not exist. This was true with regard to medicine; law; letters; the arts; commerce; journalism; at infinitum. In other words, you were denied a shared existence, so, you created a parallel one. It was all there! Had the amelioration of those conditions been pursued, citizenship would have improved, voting rights would have followed, and eventually the, “Separate but…” automatically would have become all-inclusive. Recrimination would have been lessened, all around.
This may sound all fantastical now, but I betcha, with proper hindsight, both Moses and Martin would agree with me.
We are endowed with a free society (so far), with no social, political or financial strings imposed upon us. Ergo, starting with Oprah, all of you tight-fisted Niggahs who have made it in sports, entertainment, etc., instead of appealing and kneeling and such, why don’t you invest a portion of your considerable fortunes to the, “Bootblack to Bootstrap Corporation” (BBBS). You could recoup a financial and guilty-conscience investment by going into those urban hell holes and cleaning up the fratricide, improving the schools and setting up special training for subsequent in-place businesses. This could be done by using the full weight of your popularity and charisma with the residents and acquired business entrepreneurs, as well.
Ya hear that, Oprah? We don’t need you in the White House. That’s merely another useless mountaintop. We need you to head the BBBS Corp. – (sans the other B.S.). Just think: What a point of pride for all involved!
***** ***** *****
Of John, Martin, Bobby we sing.
Sentiment has a certain ring.
Practically, though, we should
Clean out the goddamed ‘hood!
Mr. Tangerine Man
Mr. Tangerine Man, music by Bob Dylan, lyrics and performed by Dady Brothers
To all who are sane in the world and waiting ever more angrily for Nancy Pelosi to Constitutionally ACT, and help save the Republic for our children