With the photo-opportunity over, the media is asked to leave the meeting room.
Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama are left alone.
OBAMA: Yo, Vlad – What's up?
PUTIN: What do you mean, "Yo, Vlad," Barry, boy?
OBAMA: Dubya used to call you, "VLAD-uh-mer," right?
PUTIN: That's the trouble with you Americans; you're always changing leaders. No sooner do I get used to one corny sense of humor...
OBAMA: Well, we kinda discarded the Czar idea from the get-go. After the Soviet bust, it's obvious you've invented a new, quasi-democratic path to czardom.
PUTIN: That'll be enough of your Yankee, quasi-humor. Let's get down to brass tacks.
OBAMA: Oka-a—ay – but, check the chair before you sit down. (ha, ha, ha)
PUTIN: Which do you want to take first, Ukraine or Syria?
OBAMA: Since you've already taken Ukraine, we are left with the alternative.
PUTIN: Not quite; that was Crimea – we're still working on those stupid Western Ukrainians.
OBAMA: That's right; you were temporarily halted by those stupid Western sanctions, weren't you?
PUTIN: You Westerners don't seem to understand Russian hegemony. You feel free to divide up the rest of the world into your own little bailiwicks, but as soon as Mother Russia gets busy in her own backyard, all of a sudden, it's another big Red Scare!
OBAMA: Forget Russian hegemony! We have long memories about a Soviet empire that almost reduced the earth to ashes. You were a part of it, Mr. KGB! So, don't you start blubbering about being misunderstood by the West. We understand you only too well.
PUTIN: All right, all right; let us get on to Syria.
OBAMA: That's what we're afraid of – you're already on to her. What's with all the planes and building barracks, and so on?
PUTIN: Well, you had your redline – which I helped you not to cross (he, he, he) – so, now Russia is in there to look out for our own interests. We have long memories, too: Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Egypt – now with your half-assed meddling in Syria...
OBAMA: Slow down, Count Vlad! Don't go gettin' your Cossack bloomers in a bunch. Let's try to do Syria together. ISIS would have both of our heads on a spit. Seems our only disagreement is whether Assad will stay or go.
PUTIN: I don't give a damn one way or the other; but, he will have to stay there until I am assured by his successor that Russia's interests will be protected.
OBAMA: Well, it appears that our objectives are pretty much in sync: Isis must be exterminated; the only question is the brand of pesticide.
PUTIN: Right! And, after that, we will have to look for a brand of Western Ukrainicide.
OBAMA: Now, now, Vladimir; be cool. Don't over-extend yourself. Apart from supporting murderous factions in Eastern Ukraine – who have no compunctions about downing civilian airliners – remember the last time you meddled in the Middle East. The Afghans somehow got ahold of a bunch of shoulder-mounted missile launchers that were so accurate that they caused the mothers of Russia to send up such a howl that you had to creep away with your tails between your legs.
PUTIN: Too bad both our memories did not extend far enough back to the experiences of Alexander and the British in Afghanistan.
OBAMA: Well, here we are, fifteen years into the New Millennium. For us both to survive, we'd better be sure that the arc of history bends to the better angels of our nature. Wait! I just got a text from our headquarters in the region. Russia has asked us to clear Syrian air space!
PUTIN: (Smiling) Yeah, we don't want to run into any of those, Better Angels.
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