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sleigh

(This was the response I recieved from that old fat Elf. You would think he had better things to do than wasting his time writing such a long letter. But that's OK. I called my lawyer...)

To: Mr. Eric J. Kiser
San Diego, CA

From: Santa Claus
North Pole Toy Manufacturing, LTD.
1 Cold Place
Suite #1
North American Continent Polar Region 10095

RE: Response to your letter

Mr. Kiser,

Ho, Ho, Ho! This letter is to inform you that we are in receipt of your correspondence dated 12/17/2016. After a comprehensive review, my staff and I felt it necessary to respond formally, and personally, to the "service issues" you outline.

A) You seem to be confused regarding my personal appearance schedule during the Holiday Season. As I'm sure you understand, November and December are the busiest months of the year, not only for myself, but the entire organization. Besides ensuring adequate time spent double checking the master list database, I personally spend a majority of this period reviewing various 'checklist' items, such as; overseeing last minute technology upgrades to the sleigh, downloading GPS updates, completing 'alternate route' test runs via the space/time continuum, coordinating flight schedule changes with various government agencies, reviewing last minute "Naughty/Nice" waiver requests with our Legal Department and completing the annual performance evaluations of the Elf staff in accordance with their union requirements.

For these, and many other reasons, I DO NOT make personal appearances during this critical time of year.

Therefor, you should be aware that the individuals you have been harassing outside various retail locations are my "(H)oliday (E)quivalent (L)ocal (P)art-Time (E)mployed (R)elief (S)anta's", or as we call them; Santa's "HELPERS", acting on my behalf. For many years now, we have been aware of the difficult time you have been giving Santa's HELPER'S, but have decided to overlook your actions in the spirit of the season. Your letter caused us to review that position.

We hereby request that you CEASE AND DESIST any and all communication with the HELPERS. They have been given a minimum of instruction in order to complete their assignment and almost no information regarding the inner workings here at the office. Bottom line: They can't help you... Leave them alone!

B) The technical proficiency of the Elves here in what we refer to as "the Workshop" is world class. Our organization represents the single largest toy manufacturing facility in the entire polar region. We are certified in both ISO 9000 Quality Management and ISO 14000 Environmental Management disciplines. We engage in a Continuous Quality Improvement (CQI) program that is second to none and are 6 Sigma in all of our documented processes. Additionally, we have TWICE received the Malcolm Baldridge National Quality Award for excellence in our field.

For these reasons the Board of Directors and I have the utmost confidence in the high level of training and superior qualifications of everyone in our employ. The individual that informed you of any lack of qualifications among the Elf staff was either simply mis-informed or, what seems more likely to us, simply attempting to get you to go away.

C) Several years ago, the North Pole Toy Manufacturing Board of Directors convened an exploratory committee to look at creating the "on-line" presence you described. Representatives from CERN, the NSA, Apple, Microsoft, INTEL, GOOGLE, Lockheed Martin, The Rand Corporation, Facebook, Twitter and other global technology organizations testified to their belief that the shear volume of traffic such a website would generate could potentially crash the entire Internet. Therefore we made the correct, and responsible, decision to stick with our long established traditional means of accepting requests (i.e. regular mail).

NOTE: You might find it interesting to know that, to date, yours is the only letter of complaint we have ever received. Also interesting is the fact that most people over 8 to 10 years of age NO LONGER write Christmas letters to me. We assumed, based on all available evidence, that you were a "special needs" individual and put your letter with all of the other challenged party requests we received. Be assured, we have since corrected our error.

D) On advice of counsel, the Elves and I will not address the merits of your specific "monkeyworthy-ness" in this letter. We believe our actions to date speak for themselves.

In closing, one thing most people are not aware of is the close working relationship that I and my team have with various governments and law enforcement agencies around the globe. As you may imagine, it would be next to impossible to appear in approximately 79% of global households in one night if I were being stopped for speeding or stuck having border/passport issues every few minutes. The logistical coordination alone can be overwhelming and includes agencies such as The Department of Homeland Security, NORAD, NASA, Interpol and many other international organizations to complete. I tell you this not to impress you, but to inform you that we have turned our file on you over to the law enforcement agencies having jurisdiction in your area. Suffice to say, they found its contents to be very interesting.

Furthermore, by unanimous vote of the Board of Directors, your holiday status has been re-classified in our database to that of "X-MAS”. This means that you are hereby legally prohibited from celebrating the Christmas holiday's in any way, shape or form and have been permanently placed on our "Chronically Naughty" list. Any violation of this order will be dealt with swiftly and severely by our Enforcement Division. Additionally, we have filed the necessary paperwork to have a restraining order placed against you on behalf of myself, Mrs. Clause, the Elves, the Reindeer and all representatives working for our organization. If I may offer a free piece of advice; you might want to leave the HELPERS at the mall alone.

Consider this your one and only warning. The San Diego Police were appalled by your letter and lack of holiday spirit. I have been informed that they have begun keeping an eye on you as a result. Please do not make us take further action or give us reason to press charges.

Ho! Ho! Ho! - Merry Chri - (oops... I mean;)
Regards,
Santa

PS- Another small piece of advice: my entire staff became very upset by your letter and some wanted to take action on their own. I believe Mrs. Claus and I have talked them out of doing anything against you... for now. But, believe me when I tell you that you DO NOT want to piss off the Elves. Those little guys are nasty and can do things with a Candy Cane that would scare the living s@#t out of you.
So consider yourself warned. -- SC

(To Be Continued)

Eric J. Kiser

Eric J. Kiser

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