(Wayne LaPierre is the Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association nal Rifle Association <NRA>)
ST. PETER: So, you suffered from anachronisticdenialitis, did you?
LA PIERRE: Anachro – what?!
ST. PETER: That's when you lose the ability to recognize the passage of time.
LA PIERRE: I don't follow you.
ST. PETER: That was your problem; you couldn't follow the calendar, either.
LA PIERRE: What do you mean?
ST. PETER: Well, in the 21st century, you were still insisting on following to the letter a document that was written in the 18th century. Sounds like anachronisticdenialitis to me.
LA PIERRE: Oh, you're talking about the Constitution of the United States! Now I get the joke.
ST. PETER: No joke. Because of your temporal intransigence, you have increased my workload like you wouldn't believe.
LA PIERRE: What do you mean?
ST. PETER: Because of your it is-thing and the weight of your influence on a whole nation, you have allowed people who knew only of primitive firearms to dictate in a world that has weapons capable of obliterating all life on earth
LA PIERRE: Oh, I get it – you're one of those Commie lliberals. aren't you? I thought I was through with them.
ST. PETER: Actually, you are. There won't be any where you're headed.
LA PIERRE: What do you mean? I thought this is where I was going.
ST. PETER: This is just transition. You don't get through them pearly gates over there until you pass muster. And the way it's looking, Buster, there's only one way for you – and that's down – unless you can give me a better explanation for your actions that increased my workload. I'm listening.
ST. PETER: That is very noble, relatively benign and temporally bucolic. It was 140 years ago, as well. It has absolutely nothing to do with the ultra-political nature of today's organization. The NRA holds sway over both major political parties, and the fringes, too.
LA PIERRE: Yes, our large membership does express itself through their elected representatives. They are very cautious that their gun-owning rights not be infringed upon.
ST. PETER: Our membership, my eye! That line of taurus excrementus doesn't work up here. Despite your deceitfully subordinate title, you are the iron fist that directs every move the NRA makes. For the last 40 years, the NRA has been the prime generator, purveyor and prostitute of the gun-manufacturing industry in the United States. Using craven notions of patriotism and exaggerated, quaint and outdated intentions of the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, the membership has been bullied into accepting any pronouncement emanating from your parsimonious lips. They do not realize that you – and they – are
the chief promotors of the arms industry. It takes a lot more than their well-meant membership fees to control 535 members of congress. They do not realize that your grip is so tight that you will not allow legislation that might affect the manufacture of even one round of ammunition. After every shameful, public massacre of citizens, you hit the airwaves with your same, cynical, It ain't the guns; it's the people postulation – no matter how many innocent lives are sacrificed on the NRA altar of, Guns is good; the more guns, the gooder. You don't give a damn. As long as the gun industry flourishes, so do you and your cronies. You get rich, and the membership gets congratulated for upholding the Constitution. What they don't realize is that you and the leadership of the NRA have subverted the Constitution – every last one of its three main pillars! The congress is completely bought; the president is hog-tied; and the Supreme Court has been absolutely bamboozled – or worse! You are a force to be reckoned with – and, I reckon it's time to be a little forceful with you. Therefore, Mr. Wayne LaPierre, you are hereby denied entrance into the Pearly Gates. Ready with the trapdoor!...
LA PIERRE: (Waking abruptly and sweating profusely) Wow! That was scary! Maybe I'd better re-think things. What a dream!
ST. PETER: (In a stage-whisper) No dream, Bub – just a rehearsal!
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