Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Confederate

(Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions calls a media conference. Since graphically it is impossible to reproduce Mr. Sessions’ very genuine southern drawl – which is personified in his comico-serio name – that fact constantly should be kept in mind while reading his portion of the dialog.)

SESSIONS: The presidential order covering the consideration of, “Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals” has been rescinded as of this date. However, the execution of that rescission will not take place for six months hence, which will provide an opportunity for the Congress to act on the matter, should it so desire. This was an illegal initiative, taken by an illegal president. This administration stands for full compliance with the laws of the United States of America.
CORRESPONDENT: General Sessions, this was one of President Trump’s major campaign promises. Why is he not making this announcement?

SESSIONS: The president’s love for the Dreamers is so overwhelming that he could not possibly bring himself to say that which had to be said. Therefore, he availed himself of his renewed confidence in yours truly to deliver this devastating decision.
CORRESPONDENT: Why do you call President Obama, “Illegal”?

SESSIONS: That is not my opinion. I am merely upholding the determination to which the president adheres with regard to the last administration’s illegal status.
CORRESPONDENT: Are you not aware, Mr. Attorney General, that Candidate Trump, almost under his breath, finally was forced to admit that President Obama was legitimate?

SESSIONS: I probably was out of earshot that day. That doesn’t sound like the President Trump I know, but my statement stands until I have been able to confirm it directly with the president. He might have had a change of mind since then.
CORRESPONDENT: Another thing, Mr. Sessions: Not too long ago, you were left twisting in the wind. The president insulted and berated you. He did everything but come to your office and drag you out by the ear. Why did you put up with such abuse?

SESSIONS: Guess it was just another case of, “Earshot.” (Hee, hee) You media types are so out of it. Don’t you have a tolerant sense of humor? Can’t you tell when the president is just funnin’? You can’t go gettin’ your shorts all up in a bunch every time Mr. Trump lets off a little steam. You have to take him as he comes – one day at a time. That is why, when he says something, you can’t go jumpin’ out there right away and take it for a fact. He may say something different the next day – or even a few hours later. One should not unduly anticipate the budding emergence of impulsive, creative genius.
CORRESPONDENT: (With a look of astonished incredulity) How can you live like that, Mrs. Sessions – better still, how can you and the president expect the country to function under that type of continued insecurity?

SESSIONS: See, that’s where you go wrong. The president is not concerned about the whole country. As long as he keeps his followers happy, he feels that he is doing his job. He considers the rest of those grumpy complainers to be fake news.
CORRESPONDENT: If congress does not act, what are your feelings about de porting 800,000 USA-stamped young people to a country unknown to them and whose language they may not be able to speak properly...?

SESSIONS: My job is to enforce the law...
CORRESPONDENT: ...who are serving in the armed forces of this country....

SESSIONS: Like I said...
CORRESPONDENT: ...many of whom are university students...

SESSIONS: ...Our Constitution requires me to...
CORRESPONDENT: ...many of whom are professionals, lawyers, teachers...

SESSIONS: The president had no choice...
CORRESPONDENT: ...among them are young mothers and fathers of American citizens...

SESSIONS: As I said...
CORRESPONDENT: ...supporting them with jobs and businesses who contribute to our economy...

SESSIONS: What are you trying to trick me into saying – that the president is a political hack; that he is a heartless pretender; that he is only concerned with a win; that he is merely kicking this down the road, into the congress’s bailiwick; that he doesn’t give a damn how this eventually turns out; that he sent me out here to do his bidding because he is shameless; that I was glad to do it because it further ingratiates me and provides me with job security; that I am a spineless sycophant whose lips are indelibly imprinted upon the Trump rump...? Is that what you’re trying to get me to say? And, yes, are you further implying that the President of the United States is unstable; that his unpredictability may be attributable to an undiagnosed clinical condition? Is that what you are implying, you cynical, Yankee, piece of...?
CORRESPONDENT: Thank you very much, Mr. Attorney General.

Curtis W. Long

Curtis W. Long

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