(Photo submitted as evidence at trial. Re-printed courtesy San Diego District Attorneys Office)
Here are the details of my ongoing battle with Santa. Please do not judge too harshly. It all began with a letter...
To: Mr. Kristopher Kringle
(A.K.A. Santa Clause, Father Christmas, Pere Noel, et al)
C/O North Pole Toy Manufacturing, LTD.
1 Cold Place. Suite #1
North American Continent Polar Region, 10095
From: Eric J. Kiser
San Diego, CA 92037
RE; Service Issues
Dear Sir,
I have been a regular client for many years and, for the most part, have been satisfied with the services you provide. This year however I feel compelled to bring to your attention a number of issues that have been bothering me for a while now.
First, As you, I am also in a profession where I deal with the public on a regular basis and have found myself struggling to remember names. But it seems you struggle more than I with this issue because every time I stop to chat with you at the mall, or when I see you ringing your bell outside one of those big box stores, you have consistently failed to remember who I am, where I'm from or my order history with your organization. I have provided this information to you literally hundreds of times over the years and I'm beginning to think you have either "Early Onset Alzheimer's" or do not possess the "Know if I am sleeping or know if I'm awake... know if I've been Bad or Good" ability you claim in your advertising campaign. For Goodness Sake, Santa! A simple shot of B12 once a month would do wonders for your memory problems. At the very least you might consider a good database software system to help you with the details.
Second, for many years I have assumed your organization had a strong quality assurance department based on the so-called accuracy of a "double-checked" list. But, for the last few years, even though I have endeavored to be as nice as humanly possible, I have not received the specific item I requested in my annual correspondence with you. While I understand the economy is still recovering from the great recession, I have accepted, without complaint, those items left under my tree as substitutions. This year I wish to make my position completely clear. If I do not receive the item I have requested, I am strongly considering bringing legal action against your organization. I am sure neither one of us wishes to engage in a protracted legal battle, but I want to be crystal clear -- this is not a bluff. Please bring the gift I have requested or provide a detailed written report as to the naughtiness that prompted the denial.
Third, I believe in the 21st century it is a highly unsatisfactory for an organization such as yours not to have an "on-line" web presence with e-commerce capability (including "shopping cart" and "request confirmation" functionality). You do not even have a "Contact Us" email address as most other service providers offer. I believe this could go a long way towards resolving whatever problems you are having with the Quality Assurance department referenced above.
And finally - Fourth, the last time we spoke (outside Costco.... a week ago...!!!) you revealed to me that your staff, those world famous Elves we hear so much about, do not posses the skills necessary, therefor cannot supply me with the item I have been requesting lo these many years. I would like to remind you that it is your responsibility to employ a competent staff and provide an adequate training program for your employees. You might consider spending more time training them yourself, or you could look at hiring an outside consulting firm to help in this area. Either way it is your name on the door, sir, and it is your reputation that suffers from the lack of skilled tradesman in your employ. This "capability gap" will eventually have a negative impact on the amount of market share you're used to controlling.
In closing, I realize that Christmas is a very busy time of year, especially for somebody in your profession. However, from someone with your reputation, the general public does expect a bit more. I am willing to give you and your agency one last opportunity to make the corrections outlined in this letter. But if I do not see tangible improvements by Dec. 26, 2016, you can expect to hear from my attorney.
Warmest Holiday Regards,
Eric J. Kiser
PS- just so there is no confusion regarding the item on my "wish list", I will re-state it here; For as long as I can remember I have been asking you for a monkey. Not an orangutan, not a guerilla. A MONKEY. Please "triple check" that list of yours and I am confident you will see I have not been overly naughty during the last 12 months. But, if for any reason you feel I am not particularly "Monkeyworthy", I hereby formally request you let me know before the holiday to avoid any confusion.
Thank you in advance. - EJK
(To Be Continued)
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