Hillary Clinton serious

Can you believe that effing Comey? Just when I had that delusional SOB on the ropes, ready for the knockout! Then, our brooding FBI chief gets this partisan pang up his kiester and decides on a twofer: salvage his wounded ego with Congress and pull the house down on the evil witch at the same time! Well Buddy Boy, the witch ain’t dead yet!

Without a single caveat in his letter to Congress, there’s no telling how Donald’s distortion thereof will affect the race. We’d better scuttle the down-ticket, skirtails push and get on to reinforcing the blue, firewall states. Yep, ya gotta be flexible. Our fallback is that, if he can’t breach our firewall, there’s no way for him to reach 270. So, let’s go with that. Get the plane ready. Before we go, I’d like to dictate some memos. Date them 11-9-16.

...Make it known to Jim Comey that, as of 12:02 p.m., on January 20 – if he hasn’t slunk away by then -- his letter of resignation magically will appear on my desk in the Oval Office. And, if he insists upon a replay of the Saturday Night Massacre, I have my Bork already picked out.

...Advise the White House Appointments Secretary that any name containing the letters, T-R-U-M-P is to be purged from the visitors list for the next eight years. Also, any White House staffer who emits a sound even remotely close to that pronunciation, will be purged as well.

...Advice the Joint Chiefs of Staff to activate all pending materiel orders that have fund approval. Deploy all carriers strategically around the globe. Make it known that they are in active coordination with our nuclear submarines.

...Tell the Secretary of State to forward the following communiques:

• Inform Vladimir Putin that we will be providing Ukraine with any arms that it may request.
• Proceed immediately to negotiate a no-fly zone over Syria.
• Advise Britain that, before it begins to withdraw from the EU, it strongly should consider a redo of the Brexit vote. The idiots who voted for it now are aware of its scary economic consequences. And, while they’re at it, they might think about getting rid of that silly pound-shilling system.

... Send a memo to Iran: Any more hassling of our ships and crews on the high seas, and I’ll appoint Donald Trump Secretary of the Navy.

...Memo to China: OK, so you know how to make islands out of a few grains of sand. Just don’t call ‘em “China” and don’t mess with our ships as they pass them by – at any effing distance they so desire!

...Memo to China and Russia: Keep in mind that we have Silicon Valley. Unless you want to find out what a cyber war is all about, then, cease and desist with your silly probes and thefts of useless-to-you, civilian identification data.

...Memo to Ecuador: When you received the extradition order for that pariah you’ve been sheltering in your London embassy, don’t even think about the usual diplo-shenanigans. Have Julian Assange on a plane to Washington, D.C. no later than January 21.

...Note to Saudi Arabia: If your’re gonna clean out Yemen, you’d better do it fast. If anymore missiles are aimed at our ships from that desert war games playground for you and Iran, the two of you can get set to skate on a sea of glass.

...To Brazil: Nice try at civilized governance. Instead of playing musical jail cells, just give us the oil leases – then you can all go back to your sex hotels, samba and futbol.

...Mexico: Yeah, I know; I can feel your sigh of relief all the way up here. Pretty soon, you’ll be contemplating your own border wall. Already, our high THC-content ganja is making its way south of the border. Just wait until our legal pot industry gets into high gear!

...To the President of the Philippines: Did you ever hear of the Haig? You know you just can’t go around, willy-nilly allowing law enforcement officers and others to kill people suspected of using or selling drugs. Review the post-Balkans war experience at the Haig, as well as the Nuremberg Trials. While you’re at it, and amidst your puerile denunciations of the U.S. and our president, review your own history, asshole!

...To the EU: As soon as chastised Britain gets its shit together, we’re gonna have to sit down and have a serious talk about getting rid of ISIS. We’re gonna have to make it an all-out, global initiative. It’s either that, or we’re gonna find ourselves nit-picked to death.

On the other hand, if that asshole should happen to eke through, send him these memos. He – and we – are gonna need ‘em!

Curtis W. Long

Curtis W. Long

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