The political re-emergence of former President George W. Bush is imminent. He will be sallying forth in defense of his beleaguered, Republican candidate brother, Jeb Bush, a former governor of the State of Florida. Taking into account the former president’s sometimes-contested record with regard to domestic and international affairs, it could be interesting to suppose what he might say in South Carolina:

Jeb and George W. Bush

Hi y’all!

It’s been a month o’ Sundays since Ah’ve been out heah. Ah always feel rejuvenated heah in the mild climate of the Palmetto State. As y’all know, Ah was the governor of Texas for eight years. There was a time when Texas and South Carolina were partners in a great military undertaking to... (Aside: What ya say? Oh, yeah, you’re right; I better skip that one.) But, then, I digress.

Except for some retirement-easing speeches, Ah have pretty much avoided the limelight since ah left Washington. With my deah Laura, generally Ah have been living the life of a quiet squire. As y’all probably know, Ah even paint a little (he-he). Now, don’t y’all go gettin’ the wrong idea; graphic art is a well-developed trait of the human condition, and in no way is it considered gender-specific. (He-he Betcha didn’t know Ah was in-tel-LEC-chu-al) Over 40,000 years ago, cave-art appeared in what is now Europe, about the time of our intersection with the Neanderthals. (Maybe that explains me...) Any way, just 'cause ya paints, ya ain’t no fag!

Speakin’ o’ fags, I’m here to help out m’ baby-brotha Jeb – just kiddin’! Actually, we were old-family, New England transplants there in Texas. Ah was the only one to go native (he-he). Jeb was considered the smarty-pants, and he was the one they groomed for the presidency. But, when they got a load of how Ah kicked the ass of that alcoholic, bull-dagger governor Ann Richards (silver-foot in mah mouth, mah ass!) ol’ Jeb was off the table. Anyhow, in those less-evolved days, his Mexican wife and children – my daddy used to call them the brown ones – most likely would have caused a problem. (Remember John McCain’s similar experience right here n this beautiful state?) Anyhow, Ah’m heah t’ do what Ah can for m’ little ol’ bro’.

First off, this ain’t about me. Ah ‘m already in the history books -- f’ good or f’ whatever – go visit me there. This is about J-E-B – exclamation point! So, Ah was sailin’ along just nicely, thank ya, thinking’ on how I was gonna get back in there and kick that raghead Saddam’s ass for threatenin’ mah daddhy. In a way, mah daddy invited it; instead of stoppin’; at the border, he shoulda kept on and got rid of that camel jocky once and for all. There I was, with all the time in the world, readin’ books gto kids in the classroom. They talk about my delay in respondin’ to the tower attacks. That was strategy. Ah had to figure a way to change m’ drawers before facin’ the cameras.

Dick Cheney bless his heart; if ah hadn’t chosen the right vice president (actually, he chose himself), I never would have caught ol’ Osama Bin Laden. (Aside: What? Oh, yeah; Ah keep getting them ragheads mixed up.) Anyhow, if we hadn’t had all those Neocons there, to beat the drums and release the dogs of war, we never would have been able to kick them merderin’ Sunnis out of Iraq and turmed that dubious country over to the peace-lovin’ Shias.

They made a big deal about me flyin’ over the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. If Ah’d known the levies wouldn’t’ hold, Ah probably wouldn’t have gone to California. Ah sent ol’ Brownie ahead, and by the time Ah got there, Ah still thought he was doin’ a good job. They did come up with enough lights for me to make a speech at Jackson Square. Now, there was a patriot! Problem was, he was still fightin’ the Battle of New Orleans when the peace conference was convened. It was a pity all them slaves who helped him win the battle had to go back to their masters after the war was over. Anyway, that chocolate mayor and worthless skirt of a governor shoulda got the people outta there long before the place was flooded! And, Conhye West did’nt know what the fuck he was talkikn’ about!

Oh, yeah, as far as those bank failures were concerned, Ah wouldda been outta there in just a few months. If Dodd-Fag... – Ah mean, Dodd-Frank hadn’t encouraged them to sell houses to every Tom, Dick and Allice – with no property or down payment – they never woudda gotten into that mess. Ain;t it funny; even though Ah didn’t get out in time, they still blame it on Obama – and refuse to give him credit for fixin’ the mess and tight’nin’ up the economy for the remainder of his two terms. After Romnehy failed to pull it out, Ah was sure Limbaugh was gonna off himself. He was the one who wished ill to the Halfrican from the git-go.

In closin’, Ah’d like to say Ah’m just as proud as a peach to be here with y’all and reveal some of the most intimate moments of my presidency... (Aside: Huh? Oh, yeah, Ah forgot.) Listen,

No matter what that loudmouth Trump says, mah brother Jeb don’t pee sittin’ down!

Bye, y’all!

***** ***** *****

One ex-prez never should appear,

Nor eat pretzels while drinking beer.

He should send a note,

With a pithy quote:

“”Kilroy was, but I wasn’t here!”

Curtis W. Long

Curtis W. Long

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