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I need to vent...

You know, we always hear about the "rules" of relationships - generally from the female side. Well, I think that we guys should state, for the record, the rules from the male side. (And yes, I'm gonna speak for all of us). Here goes:

Please note ... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

#1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1) Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1) Crying is blackmail.

#1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," then we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer too, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1) Ask for what you want. (Let's be 100% crystal clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just SAY it!)

#1) "Yes", and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

#1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all previous statements become null and void after 7 days.

#1) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

#1) You can either ASK us to do something or TELL us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

#1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do I.

#1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

#1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

#1) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, politics or monster trucks.

#1) You have enough clothes.

#1) You have too many shoes.

#1) I am in shape. 'Round' is a shape.

Yeah, I know...

I'll probably end up sleeping on the couch tonight. But what most women don't know is, that every once in a while, we really don't mind doing that. It's kinda like camping.

~ EJK

Eric J. Kiser

Eric J. Kiser

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