santa with gun

(The inevitable conclusion)


'Twas the Friday before X-Mas, and stuck in my brain.
Was my plan to kill Santa, with a gun or by train.
The list of my options I hung up with care,
My vengeance was real and soon would be clear.

I lured him to my place in southern California
Said I'd quit my harassment, "It won't work" my friends warned me.
This feud ends tonight, one way or another.
Either I'd be victorious, or running for cover.

My alibi established; "'Twas home in my bed",
Dreams of sniper attacks or bombing his sled;
I waited in darkness, a gun in my lap,
I would end this obsession; his ass I would cap.

This old feud would end, I thought that it mattered,
When he showed up tonight, his skull I would shatter.
The ongoing war that I had with Kris Kringle
Cost me my job and my friends. It was the reason I'm single.

It was a hot winter's night here in San Diego,
As I waited and watched for that asshole to show.
When, what to my tired bloodshot eyes should appear?
But his broken down sleigh, and eight mangy reindeer,

It was him! That old slave-driver, so smarmy and slick.
And I knew in that instant it was Santa, that Prick!
As sleek as a tweaker, that junkie, he came,
As he whipped his reindeer and demeaned them by name;

To the thing at that place with the chick from the mall!
Now dash away! dash away! Dammit... y'all!

Like trash in the wind this wild hurricane did fly,
When it meets no resistance and blows high in the sky,
On up to my roof-top those half dead animals flew,
His sleigh full of Hookers - probably narcotics too.

I sat there in darkness, with him on my roof
To make this kill 'legal' the cops would want some proof.
As I steadied my weapon, time slowed in its passing,
Then, down the chimney he came, now clearly "trespassing".

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot,
Like an overweight Ninja; too fat for the suit.
He was clearly unmasked, but with gloves and his sack.
Breaking and entering he was! My house he ransacked.

Then, his eyes -- how they widened! His shock - how complete!
As I chambered a round and rose from my seat!
His thick lipped mouth frowned, he had no place to run;
He said, "Well... Come on then." when he spotted the gun.

He pulled out a knife and placed it tight in his teeth,
And who knew what other weapons he had hidden beneath;
I spat out the words when I asked the him to tell me
If he had 'any last wishes before I beat him to jelly'.

He was chubby and plump, this lumbering fat elf,
And I laughed when he came at me, in spite of myself;
Then, in a blink of an eye, a roundhouse to my head,
I woke seeing stars and thought "Oh crap... I'm dead!"

He spoke not a word, as he went about his work
Of beating me down; making me look like a jerk,
He blackened my eyes and he busted my nose
The only parts not injured - my hair and some toes!

Once he'd unleashed this punishment on me,
He reached into his sack and gave me my monkey
With a quick nod of his head, he touched the side of his nose.
And believe it or not, back up the chimney he rose.

He strutted back to his sleigh and to his team he did whistle.
And away they all flew, like some fat heat seeking missile.
Then I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,

~ Eric J. Kiser

(For many reasons I'm retiring this story this year. Thanks to every one who has commented or enjoyed this over the years. Happy Holidays, Everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I named him Elvis.)

Eric J. Kiser

Eric J. Kiser

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