Writer’s Note: The real President does not recognize the term, but the attempt to keep up with his rapidly shape-shifting shenanigans is nothing short of, “Chaos”
(POTUS is in dialog with his alter ego.)
ALTER EGO: Are you nuts?!
POTUS: What do you mean?
ALTER EGO: Why all this research about pardonings – including yourself?
POTUS: I don’t follow you.
ALTER EGO: Only the guilty need pardons.
POTUS: That sonofabitch is now digging into my private business and tax returns. It’s possible some of my really shrewd dealings may be interpreted as extra-legal.
ALTER EGO: You just fired the FBI director, and now you’re making it known you’re trying to get rid of the untouchable sleuth named in the aftermath.
POTUS: Can’t you see what’s happening? Those bastards can’t stand the fact that I beat out Crooked Hillary, so they’re doing their damnedness to dig up dirt on me.
ALTER EGO: Uh-h-h... – excuse me. There is overwhelming evidence the Russians interfered in our election process. You should be leading the charge by the CIA and FBI into rooting out and defending the country against this blatant cyber war against our sovereign nation!
POTUS: Why are you repeating all that fake-news nonsense? Everybody does it. Why put all the blame on Russia?
ALTER EGO: That’s another thing – you’re not helping your case any, with this staunch defense of a decades-long antagonist of the United States. Your perpetual promotion of Putin purity is positively perplexing to the populace!
POTUS: Don’t try to dazzle me with your asinine alliteration. They’re always trying to dump on Vladimir. Why can’t they see him through my eyes?
ALTER EGO: Perhaps because your eyes don’t reflect the fact that he despises and attacks American values and influence; he steals the territory of former Soviet Union satellites and attempts to control their governments; he holds an iron grip on his country’s politics, and has made himself a virtual dictator; he jails and murders opposition leaders; journalists and others who oppose him are either poisoned, thrown out of windows or shot dead in the streets – elevators, or wherever; he controls a cabal of super-rich oligarchs – incidentally, here is where you come in...
POTUS: What do you mean?
ALTER EGO: Come on, admit it – you are so indebted to that chorus line of Cossacks that they make you sing, “Oh, Chichonya,” at will.
POTUS: That’s ridiculous! They are my good friends and business partners.
ALTER EGO: (Sarcastically) Yeah, ri-i-igt! They are the custodians of your bullocks, you boob! That so-called, “Dossier” looms ever more clearly with each Russian ass you kiss and each U.S. investigator you fire.
POTUS: They are exceeding their authority...
ALTER EGO: They are following the money.
POTUS: I’ve got to protect the presidency...
ALTER EGO: Your only concern is that body, dressed up in the president suit. There are no bounds to your perfidy. It was even low by your standards to throw your attorney general under the bus, in an attempt to get him to resign from the shame of it all. Since he has recused himself from the Russia investigations, you need to replace him with a puppet whom you can order to fire the FBI investigator.
POTUS: But, he’s digging into my business deals and my taxes...
ALTER EGO: You know, if you go that route, you will open the very gates of hell. You will stop nothing. The congress will mount a select committee and name a special prosecutor. Don’t you read history, you dumb bastard?!
POTUS: I can sign a presidential order...
ALTER EGO: Yeah, next you’ll be telling me, “If the president does it, it’s not against the law.”
POTUS: But, it’s not – right, Mooch?
SCARY MOOCHIE: You got it, boss – love ya!
ALTER EGO: Who the hell is Mooch?
POTUS: Tony Scary Moochie, my new Consigliere.
ALTER EGO: There’s no consigliere in the U.S. Government.
POTUS: There is now. Wait ‘til you get a load of his lexicon.
ALTER EGO: What do you mean?
POTUS: We both grew up in New York, but this guy is a hell of a lot more street-wise than I am, He’s got a vocabulary that puts me to shame.
ALTER EGO: You make it sound as though his words are weaponized.
POTUS: A closer analogy is that they are used like a plumber’s tool.
ALTER EGO: Plumber’s tool...?
POTUS: ...and an exterminator’s device.
ALTER EGO: What are you getting at?
POTUS: Just watch how the Mooch plugs the leaks and gets rid of the rats in the West Wing.
ALTER EGO: Oops!
POTUS: what happened?
ALTER EGO: Your new Chief of Staff just gave the Mooch the boot!